French Jokes.

Q And A:
Q: How do you keep a French person from crashing your party? A: Put a sign up that says "no nudity"

Q: Why do French People eat snails?
A: Because they don't like fast food!

Q: How does every French joke start?
A: By looking over your shoulder.

Q: What is the Guillotine?
A: A French chopping centre.

Q: Which ghost was president of France?
A: Charles de Ghoul.

Q: Whats the difference between a smart Frenchman and a unicorn?
A: Nothing, they're both fictional characters

Q: Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris?
A: He was declared to be in Seine.

Q: Did you hear about the winner of the French beauty contest? A: Me neither.

Q: What do you call an Frenchman in the knockout stages of the World Cup? A: A Referee.

Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in France?
A: He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

Q: What do you call a Frenchman advancing on Baghdad?
A: A salesman.

Q: Where can you find 60,100,000 French jokes?
A: In France.

Q: Did you hear about the brave Frenchman?
A: Oh you didn't. Well don't feel bad no one else has either.

Q: How do you brainwash a Frenchman?
A: Fill his underpants with water.

Q: How do you kill a Frenchman?
A: Slam the toilet seat down when he's getting a drink.

Q: How did the French react to German reunification?
A: They put up speed bumps at the borders to slow down the panzers.

Q: What do you call a man who only needs body armor on his back?
A: Jacques Chirac.

Q: What is the other way to spell the name of the French president?
A: Jacques ChIraq.

Q: What's the best place to hide your money?
A: Under a Frenchman's soap.

Q: What do you do if you drive over a Frenchman?
A: Reverse!

Q: Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?
A: Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.

Q: The American military wears combat boots. What does the French military wear?
A: Track shoes.

Q: How do you sink a French battleship?
A: Put it in water.

Q: What do French recruits learn in basic training?
A: How to surrender in 17 different languages.

Q: Why don't the French eat M&M candies?
A: They're too hard to peel.

Q: What is the most useful thing in the French Army?
A: A rearview mirror, so they can see the war.

Q: What's the difference between Frenchmen and toast?
A: You can make soldiers out of toast.

Q: How do you stop a French tank?
A: Shoot the guy that's pushing it.

Q: What do you do if a Frenchman throws a hand-grenade at you?
A: Take the pin out and throw it back.

Q: How do you get a Frenchman out of a bath tub?
A: Throw in a bar of soap.

Q. How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A. One, because he holds the bulb and all of Europe revolves around him

Q: How do you confuse a French Soldier?
A: Give him a rifle and ask him to shoot it.

Q: What's the motto of the US Marine Corps?
A: Semper Fi (Always Faithful)

Q: What's the motto of the French Army?
A: Stop, drop, and run!

Q. Why don't Master Card and Visa work well in France? A. They do not know how to say "CHARGE!"

Q: What do women who are snipers in the French military use as camouflage?
A: Their armpits.

Q: What’s the difference between a Frenchman and a bucket of crap?
A: The bucket

The recent tremors felt throughout France have been attributed to the fifty six thousand+ WWI & WWII U.S. soldiers spinning in their graves.

Q: Why do the French people seem so hell bent on kissing Jacques Chirac's ass?
A: Because the French, in general are less sensitive to bad smells and certainly more tolerant of bitter flavors!!

Q: What do you call a French man killed defending his country?
A: I don't know either, its never happened!

Q: What Does "Maginot Line" mean in French?
A: "Speed bump ahead"

Q: What’s the new French flag look like?
A: A white cross emblazoned on a white background!

Q: What is the difference between American fries and French fries?
A: Courage!!

Q: Why did the Post Office have to recall its series of stamps depicting famous Frenchmen?
A: People were confused about which side to spit on.

Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to shingle a roof?
A: 3 if you slice them thin enough.

Q: You are approached by three men while walking down a dark city street. One British, one American, one French. They all seem intent on mugging you. However, you have a gun, but alas, only two bullets. What do you do?
A: Shoot the Frenchman twice. Good day!

Q.Why don't the French really want the US to attack Iraq? A. They don't want their record for surrender broken.

Q: Why do French people always wear yellow?
A: To match the color of their blood!

Q: What's the easiest way to get lung cancer?
A: Breath the air in Paris!

Q: Why does every army (except the U.S., England and Israel) have to have a French flag?
A: In case they want to surrender!

Q: Why did the Statue of Liberty take karate?
A: She wanted to be the first French person to be able to defend herself!

Q: Why do the French never perform “the wave” at a soccer game?
A: Because, that’s a gesture reserved for use only in time of war.

Q: What does a French military alliance and a French romance have in common?
A: Both are brief, sordid, and completely meaningless.

Q; How does a Frenchman hold his liquor?
A: by the ears...

Q: What's the difference between a Frenchman and a catfish?
A: One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.

Q: What's the difference between a Frenchman and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline.

Q: Do you know why the French invented perfume?
A: Hey, *you* try sleeping with a French woman.

Q: What do French mobsters fear more than anything else?
A: The quiche of death.

Q: Why are so many French born by C-section?
A: Ever try to get a square head through a round hole?

Q: What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France?
A: Linoleum blownapart(Napoleon Bonaparte)

Q: What's the difference between a Frenchwoman and a werewolf?
A: The Frenchwoman is not quite as hairy but the werewolf smells better.

Q: Why did the French plant trees along the Champs Elysees?
A: So the Germans could march in the shade.

Q: Hear about the library that burnt down in Paris?
A: Destroyed their entire collection and they hadn't even finished coloring in the second one!

Q: What do you call a Frenchman with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other?
A: Bisexual.

Q: What do you do if you see a French man drowning?
A: Chuck his wife and kids in as well.

Did you hear about the Frenchman who lost his license to practice medicine? He was caught having sex with some of his patients. It's a shame, too - he was by far the best vet in town.

Q: What do you get if you see a Frenchman up to his neck in sand?
A: More sand.

Q: Why do French men have moustaches?
A: To remind them of their mothers.

Q: How many Frenchman does it take to guard Paris?
A: Nobody knows, its never been tried before

Q: What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
A: The Army.

Q: How do you castrate a Frenchmen???
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: do Frenchmen always were yellow ties ?
A: to match the teeth

A Frenchwoman with a parrot on her shoulder walks into a bar. The Barman says "That’s a real ugly bird you got there. Where did you get it?” The Parrot says "I got it in France. There’s millions of’em there"

Q: What did the Mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered during WWII?
A: "Table for One Hundred Thousand?".

Q: How can you tell if a Frenchman has been in your backyard?
A: Your garbage is gone and your dog is pregnant!

Q: What do you call 20 dead Frenchmen in the back of a lorry.
A: A good days hunting.

Q: What do you do if you see 59 million dead Frenchmen? A. Stop laughing and re-load!!

[A French Waiter]
French Waiter "Waiter, would you please get your thumb out of my soup?" "So sorry sir, but I have a boil and the doctor told me to keep it warm." "Well why don't you just stick it up your ass?" "I do sir, but I've got to serve customers occasionally..."


[Geography Test]
Capital Fred was saying his prayers as his father passed by his bedroom door. "God bless Mommy, and God bless Daddy, and please make Calais the capital of France." "Fred," said his father, "why do you want Calais to be the capital of France?" "Because that's what I wrote in my geography test!"

[The American And The Frenchman]
This American guy is sitting at a diner minding his own business eating breakfast. A French guy chewing gum sits down next to him & says "What are you eating there? American bread? In France we eat only the soft centers out of our fresh bread & send the crusts to America." The American Guy ignores him. "What have you got on that bread? Jam? In France we eat only the freshest fruit & put the seeds & pits into containers & send it to America to make your jam." "Well let me ask you one question. Do you have sex over there in France?" "Oh Oiu, Oiu, you know we do." "What do you do with the used condoms?" "Oh flush them down the toilet of course." "Well here in America we put them into containers & sell them to France as bubble gum."

[The Foreigner]
Once there was a man that came from France to America, He couldnt speak English so he went to choir and learned how to say "Me me me me me me." Then he went to the store and saw a little girl say "He stole my dolly" And on his way home he went to get meat from the butcher and learned how to say "Big butcher knife big butcher knife." Then he went home and watched an air freshener commercial and learned how to say "Plug it in Plug it in." Then he went to the store and there was a murder the police said "Who killed this man?" The foreigner said "Me me me me me me me." The police said "Why did you kill him?" And the man said "He stole my dolly." The police man said "What did you kill him with?" The man said "Big butcher knife big butcher knife." Then they took him to jail and sentenced him to death. The police man said "any last words?" And the foreigner said "Plug it in plug it in."

[The Bunny And The Snake]
Once upon a time (allegedly) in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am." "It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you." "Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit." "Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in great excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone or no balls. I'd say you must be French."

[The French General And The British Major]
During one of the many wars that the French and the British fought and the French usually lost, the French just happened to capture a British Major. An officer brought the Major to the French general for interrogation. The French general began ridiculing the Major for wearing "that stupid red tunic." The French general said, "Why to you wear that red uniform, it makes it easy for us to shoot you." The British major replied, "If I do get wounded, the blood will not show, and my soldiers will not get scared." The French general said, "That is a very good idea," The Frenchy turned to his orderly and said, "From now on all French officers will wear brown pants."

[U.N. Meeting]
Member nations of the UN gathered for an annual Meeting of technological advancement reports. The United States ambassador stood and proudly announced, "We have developed a space craft that can fly directly into the sun!" The crowd was shocked murmurs and exclamations of "How could this be!" were heard. His assistant quickly handed him a sheet of paper, he coughed and then addressed the audience, "I'm sorry, actually, our new space craft can only fly 3 centimeters below the sun." The Japanese ambassador stood next and told the gathering, "Our Japanese scientists have invented a midget submarine that can touch the bottom of the deepest part of the ocean." Again, shock and disbelief rang through the great meeting hall. An assistant jumped up and whispered in the Japanese Ambassador's ear. He bowed deeply and said, "My deepest apologies, forgive my mistake. Our new submarine can only reach 3 centimeters above the deepest part of the ocean." It was now the French ambassador's turn to make announcement of France's contribution. He stood and looked around, "We in France have been able to develop people that can eat with their noses!" Now the UN meeting as in shock and visible horror that France would play with genetic engineering. "Actually, they eat only 3 centimeters below their noses."

[Famous French Quotes]
Famous quotes about the French: "I just love the French. They taste like chicken!" ---- Hannibal Lecter "France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes." ---Mark Twain "I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." --- General George S. Patton "The French are a smallish, monkey-looking bunch and not dressed any better, on average, than the citizens of Baltimore. True, you can sit outside in Paris and drink little cups of coffee, but why this is more stylish than sitting inside and drinking large glasses of whiskey I don't know." --- P.J O'Rourke (1989) .

[The American And The French Woman]
The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog. The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat." The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?" The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there?". I'm very tired." The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!" The American didn't say anything else. Hhe leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American. An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

[New Brains For Old]
Three guys are walking down a street when they see a new store with a sign that reads,"CELEBRITY BRAIN SHOPPE, REPLACE YOUR BRAIN WITH THAT OF A DECEASED CELEBRITY" All three decide to go in and give it a shot. The first guy walks up to the counter and says "Hello, I'd like to buy a brain" to which the clerk replied "who would you like?" The guy thinks and decides on actor Sylvester Stallone's brain. The clerk types on his computer and says, "okay, that will be 3,000 dollars." The guy pays and leaves. The second guy walks up and says "hello, I’d like to buy a brain" to which the clerk replies "Who would you like?" The guy thinks for a moment and decides on singer Mick Jagger's brain. The clerk types on his computers and says, "Okay, that will be 4,000 dollars." The guy pays and then leaves. The Third guy walks up to the counter and says "hello, I’d like to buy a brain." to which the clerk replies "who would you like?" The guy thinks long and hard and then eventually decides on former French president Chirac. The clerk types on his computer and then says, "okay, that will be 1.6 million dollars!" The guy's jaw drops "1.3 million dollars! Why does Chirac's brain cost so damn much?" The clerk replies, "well sir, it's never been used."

[The Englishman And The Aliens]
An Englishman was rowing a boat down a river and singing, "Rule Britannia". He had sung the first line, "When Britain first at heaven's command ...", when some aliens saw him. The aliens decided to conduct an experiment, so they removed half his brain, and put him back into his boat. To their astonishment, he continued to sing, "When Britain first at heaven's command...". So, to continue their experiment, they removed half of the remainder of his brain, so he had a quarter of his brain left. They were further astonished when the man continued to sing, "When Britain first at heaven's command..." After discussing further, they removed the final part of his brain and put him back in his boat. He continued to sing, "Allouetta, chantez allouetta ..."

[The Frenchman And The Landlord]
A Frenchman walks into a bar, smiles at the landlord and orders a glass of wine. The Frenchie looks about and sees a camel sitting at the bar as well. The Frenchie asks the landlord, “What is that dirty camel doing in here?” The Landlord pulls a cricket bat out from behind the bar hits the camel in the head and the camel gives the landlord a blow-job. The Landlord looks at the Frenchie and says "You want a go?" to which the Frenchie replies: "Oui, but there is no need to hit me over the head."

[The Cannibal And The Butcher]
A cannibal went into the butcher shop to buy some brains to make for her family for dinner that night. She looked at the display of brains and saw that American brains were $4.95 per lb, British brains were $4.90 per lb and French brains were $450.00 per lb. She gasped and asked the butcher if the price of the French brains were a misprint. "No ma'am," answered the butcher. "That is the correct price." "Well, why are the French brains so expensive?" exclaimed the cannibal. "Do you know how many French it takes to get a pound of brains!?" replied the butcher.

[The American, The German And The Frenchman]
Three men, an American man, a German man, and a Frenchman, completely drunk, after a late night dinner, are having a conversation: The American: “In my country we have buildings that are over 1000-floor high”. The German says: “In my country, we have highways that go straight for over a thousand miles!” The Frenchman says: “When I have an erection, my dick is so long, 14 eagles can perch on it!” The following day, the three men, admitting too much alcohol told the truth: The American said: “You know, really, some of our buildings might go over 100-floor high, but no more.” The German says: “You know, really, some highways might go 200 miles straight; but no more.” The Frenchman said: “You know, really, when I have an erection, the 14th eagle has only one leg on it.”

[Bush And The French Ambassador]
President Bush and the French ambassador to the U.N. were debating the Iraqi crisis. The President tried to explain through an interpreter that if we don't stop Hussein soon, he will obtain nuclear weapons. He further explained that should that happen, any future likely conflict with the madman could result in a bloodbath. The French ambassador did not understand. It seems there is no word for "bath" in French.

[High-Tech]
George W. Bush, Tony Blair and Jacques Chirac were relaxing in a Parisian sauna. Suddenly, there was a distinct beeping sound. President Bush pressed his forearm with his thumb & the beeping stopped. The others looked curiously at him. "Oh, that was just my pager", said George. "I have a microchip embedded under the skin of my forearm." Two minutes later, the silence was broken by the sound of a phone ringing. Tony Blair lifted the palm of his hand to his ear & the ringing stopped. The Prime Minister explained, "That was my cell phone, chaps. I have a telecom chip implanted in the palm of my hand. "By this time, French president Jacques Chirac was feeling sort of low-tech. Without saying anything, he quickly scooted out of the sauna, but returned momentarily. When he returned, Bush and Blair both stared at him incredulously. It appeared that a long piece of toilet paper was dangling from the Frenchman's posterior. When Jacques saw that he had the attention of the other two men, he feigned astonishment: "Marie Sainte! I'm think I'm getting a fax."

[The Genie]
Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, " says the genie. The American says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in America." With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in America was forever made fertile for farming. The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France. The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall. The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out." The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water."

[Pierre And The Gorilla]
The French zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very cranky and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorilla species available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Pierre, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Pierre, it was rumored, had the ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Pierre was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred Francs? Pierre showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Pierre announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union." The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what about the third condition. "Well," said Pierre, "you've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred Francs."

[The Frenchman, The Englishman And Claudia Schiffer]
There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Provence. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there. The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The French fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.' And the Englishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that French bastard again.'