Doctor and rabbit

Doctor: You're obese. Patient: Whoa, for that I definitely want a second opinion. Doctor: You’re quite ugly, too.
Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years?

Do you smoke?
No.

Do you eat too much?
No.

Do you go to bed late?
No.

Do you have affairs with promiscuous women?
No.

Then why would you want to live more than 100 years?
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you are donating blood.
Bishop to the Pope: Congratulations on your name’s day Your Holiness!
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Pope: But today we do not commemorate the name of Benedict?
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Bishop: It is the 16th, though.
Shortest joke a software developer can tell: “I’ll be ready soon.”

“You are so kind, funny and beautiful.”

“Oh come on. You just want to get me to bed.”

“And smart, too!”

My girlfriend says that I am snoopy. But OK, maybe she meant it differently than she wrote it in her diary.
How can you open a banana?
-
With a monkey!
I dreamt I was forced to eat a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.
I am not a schizophrenic and neither am I.
Make criminals pay, study to become a lawyer.
“Darling, can I go out in this dress?”

“Yes dear, it’s already dark out.”

I fear my neighbor may be stalking me, she's been googling my name last night on her computer. I saw it clearly through my binoculars.
Be polite to every idiot you meet. He could be your boss tomorrow.
What is white and flies up?
-
A retarded snowflake
I called the hospital but the line was dead.
New category: Clean Jokes
Yes, I’ve lost to my computer at chess. But it turned out to be no match for me at kickboxing.
One twin to the other: "You are ugly"

What is transparent and smells like worms?
-
A bird's fart :-)
I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent.

So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”

One of them snarled at me, “It’s Wales dumbo!”

So I corrected myself, “Oh, right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”

That’s about as far as I remember.
A teenage boy to his father: "Father I am not a virgin anymore"

Father: "Wow that's great. Come let's sit down and drink something to celebrate this moment"

Son: "Ok, I can drink with you but I really can not sit down for a while"

Why is the math book so sad?
-
It has got too many problems!
New categories: Christmas jokes | Funny Videos | Marriage Jokes
A woman starts chatting to a man in a subway: "Hello my name is Margaret"

The man replies: "Mine not"
If you accidentally drop your iPhone in the water, leave it lying on top of a bowl of rice for 24 hrs. The rice attracts Asians who will automatically fix your electronics for you.
Q: What do Inuit get from sitting on a block of ice?

A. Polaroids.
How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one. They’re fiercely efficient and not really given to jokes.
At a swimming pool: Three guys climb a high-dive tower and meet a good fairy who offers to fulfill a wish for each of them. One jumps and says, "Beer!" - and the pool is full of beer. The other one jumps, says, "Money!" and the pool is full of money. The last one starts to jump but slips and, falling, yells, "SHIIIIIIT!!!"
Joke for mothers: When your first child eats some earth, bit of grass or a worm, you take it to a doctor. When your second child eats some earth, a bit of grass or a worm, you spit on a hankie and clean it. When your third child eats some earth, a bit of grass or a worm, you wonder whether it still needs lunch.
The urologist is about to leave his office and says: "Ok, let's piss off now."
Two men are discussing their lives. One says, "I’m getting married. I’m sick of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear." The other one says, "Hey, I’m getting divorced for the same reasons."
Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S. One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
"Which part did you get?"
What do driving and dating have in common?
Both end up with you being chased by the police if you go too fast.

Today I went to a barber’s shop for a shave. The barber asked me to put a small wooden ball in my mouth so he could get a closer shave around my cheeks.
I asked: “But what if I swallow the ball?”
He replied: “No problem sir, you just bring it back tomorrow like everybody else.”
What's the best place to hide a body? Page two of Google.
You know you’re old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
What would you call a dinosaur with a surprisingly impressive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
When somebody makes you really angry, count to three. When you get to two, punch them in the face. They won’t be expecting that.
You won’t find anything more poisonous than a harmonious and friendly group of females.
Two state clerks meet in the corridor. One asks the other, "Couldn't sleep either?"
Women go on a diet on three occasions:
- When they break up with a guy;
- When they meet a new guy;
- On Mondays.
I used to believe that the brain was the most important organ. But then I thought, hey, look who’s telling me that.
An elderly man was on the operating table awaiting surgery to be performed by his son, a renowned surgeon. Just before they would put him under, he asked to speak to his son: "Don’t be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."
Most of the time, when you cry, nobody notices the tears you shed. Most of the time, when you're facing trouble, nobody feels your pain. But try farting in public just one time!
Why do women put on make-up and perfume? Because they are ugly and they smell.
I’m certain there are female hormones in beer. When I drink too much, I talk nonsense and I cannot control my car.
Bruce Lee’s all-time favorite drink? Wataaaaaaaah!
Q: Is Google a a he or a she?
A: A she, no doubt, because it won‘t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas.
Daddy what is a transvestite?
-
Ask Mommy, he knows.
A man noticed his credit card has been stolen - but he never reported it. The thief was still spending considerably less than his wife.
So much has changed since my girlfriend told me we’re having a baby. For instance my name, address and telephone number!
A bear starts to yawn but farts instead.
A little boy looks at his mum at a wedding and says, “Mummy, why is the girl dressed all in white?” His mum replies, “The girls is called a bride and she is in white because she’s happy and this is the happiest day of her life.” The boy nods and then asks, “OK, and why is the boy all in black?”
That moment when you have eye contact while eating a banana.
How can they call it Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is you stand up and say,
‘My name is John and I am an alcoholic’?
If it’s true that we’re all God’s children – what is so special about Jesus?
What is the difference between a politician and an actor? An actor gets better scripts with more credible story-lines.
What do you call a woman who always knows for sure where her husband is? A widow.
My boss told me yesterday, “Don’t dress for the job you have, dress for the job you want”. But when I turned up at the office today in Ghostbusters gear, the bastard said I was fired.
Driving a sports car and sticking to the speed limit is like going to McDonalds’ and having just the salad.
What do you get if you crossbreed an insect with a cute Easter rabbit?
Bugs Bunny.
My dog once ate all the Scrabble tiles. He kept leaving messages around the house for days.
If you start to think I talk too much, just tell me. We’ll talk about it.
Around 50% of our youth sees the future in a positive way. The other half doesn’t have the money to buy the drugs.
An optimist sees light at the end of a tunnel and thinks it’s an exit. A pessimist sees light at the end of a tunnel and assumes it is an onrushing train. The train conductor sees two stupid guys staggering on train tracks.
Two friends are talking, one says: “Man, I fell off a thirty-foot long ladder yesterday.” “Oh no, dude, are you alright?!” inquires the other one, shocked. “Yeah, I’m OK, I was only on the second rung then.”
Two men are stranded on a deserted island. One despairs, but the other one claps him assuredly on the back and says, “Don’t worry, they will definitely find us, and soon.” “Really? Why do you think so?” asks the despairing one. “I owe the IRS five years’ worth of taxes.”
“Excuse me, sir, have you seen a police officer around?”
-
“No, not a soul, actually.”
-
“Very good, now give me your wallet, watch and laptop!”
What is see-through and smells of carrots?
-
A rabbit fart.