I Think Santa Claus Is A Woman...

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think
about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and
I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off! For
starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until
Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time
Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with amazing calm - call other
errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree. Once at the mall, they
always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood
rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of
panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it
lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm
convinced Santa is a woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe
would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the
tree, still in the bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there.
First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted
and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate
claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on
the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still
have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in
the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this
the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob
Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would
also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get
under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly
upright 90-degree angle. Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man: - Men
can't pack a bag. - Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. -
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all
those elves. - Men don't answer their mail. - Men would refuse to allow their
physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful
of jelly." - Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
- Having to do the "Ho Ho Ho" thing would seriously inhibit their ability to
pick up women. - Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a
commitment. I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are
men......... - Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.
Definite guy. - Cupid flies around carrying weapons. - Uncle Sam is a politician
who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the
testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have
each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Cole's version of "The
Christmas Song," it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is. I
just wish she'd quit dressing like a guy!!!

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