The Top 16 Signs Ken Has Reached Middle Age

16> Cool beachwear now consists of a Hawaiian shirt buttoned to the neck, Bermuda shorts hiked up to nipple level, black socks and sandals.


15> Dumps Barbie, steals her Corvette, and goes cruisin' for hot Sailor Moon chicks, Spice Girl dolls and Power Puff Girls.


14> New anatomically correct version has comb-able ear and back hair.


13> Can't seem to get it up with anyone but Dominatrix Stacie(R).


12> Convertible? Check.


Blonde Bimbo? Check.


Fake Hair? Check.


Hey, Ken's been middle-aged since 1972!


11> Due to a recent court order, toy stores can no longer stock him within 2 aisles of "Catholic Schoolgirl Skipper."


10> Young Ken: lack of penis resulted in sexual frustration with Barbie.


Old Ken: lack of penis results in inability to refuse trips to antique store.


9> Sudden existential crisis makes him worry that people perceive him to be plastic.


8> New "Comb-Over Ken" spends hours in front of the mirror trying to figure out how to cover the bald spot with three strands of plastic hair.


7> Protruding gut magically retracts whenever Barbie's teenage sister Kelly comes around.


6> Bottle of Viagra: $40


Hair transplants: $900


New red Ferrari: $175,000


The look on Barbie's face when you tell her you're leaving her for her younger sister, Skipper: Priceless.


5> "I don't care if it IS the size of a large bagel to you, you're gonna choke down that blue pill, Plastic Boy!"


4> Lately he's been lobbying Mattel to make an "American Beauty Edition" Skipper, complete with rose petals.


3> New "Workout Ken" comes complete with a running bra.


2> "Hey Barb, if we get to The Sizzler at 4:00, we can get the 'Early Bird'."


1> Bad news: doctor wants to start doing regular prostate checks


Worse news: no visible rectum


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[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]