Martha Stewart Holiday Calendar

December 1Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside-down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.December 2Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.December 3Using candlewick and hand gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.December 4Repaint Cistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.December 5Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.December 6Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.December 7Debug Windows '95December 10Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.December 11Lay Fabrege egg.December 12Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.December 13Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.December 14Install plumbing in gingerbread house.December 15Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade 'holiday scents' in case tires are shot out at mall.December 17Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.December 19Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.December 20Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in colored glitter and confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.December 21Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.December 22Float votive candles in toilet tank.December 23Seed clouds for white Christmas.December 24Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.December 25Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.December 26Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.December 27Build snowman in exact likeness of God.December 31New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.