Male Bashing

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?


A: Trustworthy.


Q: Why are men like commercials?


A: You can't believe a word they say.


Q: Why are men like popcorn?


A: They satisfy you, but only for a little while.


Q: What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?


A: Sex.


Q: What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?


A: When the power goes off.


Q: What do men and women have in common?


A: They both distrust men.


Q: How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?


A: Guilt gifts are nicer.


Q: What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?


A: His wife is good at picking out clothes.


Q: How is a man like the weather?


A: Nothing can be done to change either one of them.


Q: What is the difference between a man and childbirth?


A: One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is giving birth.


Q: What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single 40-year-old man?


A: The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the man thinks often about dating them.


Q: Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do men dream of?


A: Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.


Q: What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?


A: Slow.


Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?


A: They're married.


Q: What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?


A: An insurance company.


Q: Why don't men often show their true feelings?


A: Because they don't have any.


Q: How are men like noodles?


A: They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.


Q: Why are men and spray paint alike?


A: One squeeze and they're all over you.


Q: Why is food better than men?


A: Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.


Q: Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars?


A: At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or 5000 miles, whichever came first.


Q: Why do men have a hole in their penis?


A: So oxygen can get to their brains.


Q: What do ceramic tile and men have in common?


A: If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for life!


Q: How do you grow your own dope?


A: Plant a man.


Q: How are all men multiorgasmic?


A: They have one small one while having sex with "their" woman....and a second, much bigger one the next day while telling their buddies about it.


Q: What about the man who saw the sign "Drink Canada Dry"?


A: He moved there.


Q: What does a woman do with her asshole before having sex?


A: She drops him off at the golfcourse.


Q: How do you get a man to do situps?


A: Put the remote control between his toes


Q: What do men consider housecleaning?


A: Lifting their feet so you can vacuum under them


Q: How do you save a man from drowning?


A: Take your foot off his head


Q: What do men consider a 7 course meal?


A: A hotdog and a six pack of beer


Q: How does a man change a roll of toilet paper?


A: No one knows - we've never seen it done!


Q: Why is it good that there are women astronauts?


A: So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions.


Q: How can you tell if a man is excited?


A: He's breathing


Q: How do men exercise on the beach?


A: By sucking in their stomach everytime a bikini goes by


Q: What do men consider foreplay?


A: Half an hour of begging


Q: How can you tell if a man is happy?


A: Who cares?/?


Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?


A: 1. No mind.


2. No business.


Q: If men got pregnant....


A: Abortion would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.


Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?


A: Because they already have boyfriends.


Q: Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?


A: He had it bronzed.


Q: How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?


A: Two ways to cross a river.


Q: What is gross stupidity?


A: 144 men in one room.


Q: What is a man's view of safe sex?


A: A padded headboard.


Q: How do men sort their laundry?


A: "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".


Q: What can a bird do that a man can't?


A: Whistle through its pecker!


Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?


A: Both of them.


Q: What would get your man to put down the toilet seat?


A: A sex-change operation.


Q: Why did the man cross the road?


A: He heard the chicken was a slut.


Q: Why do women fake orgasm?


A: Because men fake foreplay!


Q: Why do men talk so dirty?


A: So they can wash their mouth out with beer.


Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?


A: So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.


Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?


A: Who has the time?


Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?


A: They won't stop to ask directions!


Q: Why don't women have men's brains?


A: Because they don't have penises to keep them in!


Q: What do toy trains and breasts have in common?


A: They're usually intended for the children, but it's the husbands who end up playing with them!


Q: What do you have when you've got 2 little balls in your hand?


A: A man's undivided attention.


Q: Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?


A: Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock.


Q: What happens when a man opens his zipper?


A: His brains fall out.