A years worth of jokes

Every week a guy I work with sends out jokes, here is a years worth.

Oldest to Newest



Q.)Why did the musician drop a bolder on the building where he was supposed to play?

A.)He wanted to rock the joint



Q.)Why didn't the rancher let the cowboy near his horse?

A.)Because the cowboy was a bronco buster



Q.)Why are mallards good at dodge ball?

A.)They can duck



Q.)Why are heavy set gentlemen so brave?

A.)Because they have a lot of guts



Q.)Why don't cars have a problem with motivation?

A.)Because they are driven



Holiday bonus



Q.)What is a Christmas gift's biggest fear?

A.)A tapeworm



Q.)Why is the inch high Private Eye angry all the time?

A.)Because he is short with everyone



Q.)How do you tell if a light bulb is dumb?

A.)If it isn't very bright



Holiday Bonus



Q.)What kind of weather should you expect at the North Pole during Christmas?

A.)Snow and Reindeer (rain deer)



Q.)What do you call it when you cover someone with cherries?

A.)Berried (buried)



Q.)Why do lions think highly of themselves?

A.)Because they have a pride (group of lions is a pride)



Christmas Eve Bonus



Q.)Where does Santa put his money?

A.)The snow bank



Q.)Why are Olympic track silver medal winners always late?

A.)Because they are running behind



Q.)What did the carpenter say when they ask him if he was going to keep using Elmer's Glue?

A.)I have to. I am stuck with it.



Q.)What did the critic say in his review of the play put on by onions?

A.)It brought him to tears



Q.)Why was the farmer angry?

A.)He had a cow



Q.)Why is your under arm so depressed?

A.)Because it is just the pits



Q.)How much is a male deer worth?

A.)A buck



Q.)Why were the subjects wary of the fat bossy king?

A.)He liked to throw his weight around



Q.)Why did the enthusiastic party goer strap himself to TNT?

A.)He wanted to have a blast



Q.)Why were the butcher's goods so cheap?

A.)Because they were at cut rate prices



Q.)Why did the baker go out to the garden?

A.)He needed some flower



Q.)Why did the balding man take off his pants after coming from the doctor's office?

A.)The doctor told him hair loss was in his jeans (genes)



Q.)What kind of questions do pyromaniacs ask?

A.)Burning questions



Q.)Why are authors who crochet so anxious?

A.)Because they are on pins and needles



Q.)What do well read fishermen use as bait?

A.)Bookworms



Q.)Why is the Goodyear mascot always yawning?

A.)Because he's tired



Q.)Why did the security conscious individual put his valuables in his shoe?

A.)Because they said Foot Locker on them



Q.)Why did the artist use a blue pen to end all his sentences?

A.)Because he was in his blue period



Q.)What did a new IPod say to another one that was leaving?

A.)Stay in touch



Q.)What did the candidate suffer when all the ballets that elected his opponent fell on him?

A.)A crushing defeat



Q.)What kind of books does the Golden Gate Bridge read?

A.)Suspense novels



Q.)What kind of clothing do car engines wear?

A.)A hoodie



Current Events Bonus



Q.)Why don't some people like revolutions?

A.)Because they are revolting



Q.)Why are caves not satisfied with life?

A.)Because they are hollow inside



Q.)What do you call a shrub that someone threw a can of rat poison into?

A.)A brush with death



Q.)What do you call a door bell someone has shot?

A.)A dead ringer



Q.)Why did the farmer start feeding his cow money instead of hay?

A.)Because he wanted a cash cow



Q.)Why did the computer user install an air bag on his PC?

A.)In case it crashed



Q.)Why do conspiracy theorists camp around & watch the kitchen table?

A.)Because they often see saucers there



Q.)Why did the police officer make sure to take his hand cuffs when he jumped out of the plane without a parachute?

A.)Because he wanted to arrest the fall



Q.)Why did the psychiatrist search through the lost & found?

A.)His patients had lost their minds



Q.)Why did the fighter pilot paint his jet?

A.)He felt it was too plane (plain)



Q.)While the spy was being chased by the villain, why did he stop over a hole in the road?

A.)He was disguising himself as a manhole cover



Q.)Why did the candidate bring a large group of cattle with him to the debate?

A.)So he would be heard



Q.)Why did the insane asylum stop transporting patients to the facility in vehicles?

A.)People were being driven mad



Q.)Why did the police officer shoot the fleeing suspect in the ear?

A.) Because he was in ear shot



Q.)How did the ATF officer know the gun runner was nervous?

A.)He was sweating bullets



36 IS bonus



Q.)How do PPM analysts prefer to listen to music?

A.)In stereo



Q.)Why do women find small private planes offensive?

A.)Because of all the Leers (Leer Jets)



Q.)What do you call an octopus that is holding steak knife?

A.)Armed and dangerous



Nerd Bonus



A.)What kind of music does the sun listen to?

B.)Soul (the star we know as the sun is called Sol)



Q.)Why did the intoxicated gentleman continual try to pour the young lady into his glass?

A.)Because her name was brandy



Q.)What do you call a container that usually holds water or propane but instead is crammed full of Mensa candidates?

A.)A think tank



Q.)Where are most of surveys in the world taken?

A.)Pole-land



Q.)Why are snowmen constantly in doctor's office?

A.)Because they always have head colds



Q.)Why don't car salesmen go driving?

A.)They would end up with the Benz (Mercedes-Benz)



Q.)What is the Color Guard's favorite month of the year?

A.)March



Q.)Why don't ants make computers?

A.)Because there would be too many bugs in the systems



Q.)Why don't Red Cross reps go to rock quarries to get blood donations?

A.)Because they don't want to try to get blood from a stone



Q.)Why aren't lions, pumas, and tigers bothered when people go to the big cat reserve at the zoo?

A.)Because they're never spotted



Q.)Why don't nice guys mind playing Russian Roulette?

A.)Because nice guys finished last



Military Bonus



Q.)What is the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps favorite Flock of Seagulls song?

A.) I Ran (IRGC is a branch of the Iranian Military)



Q.)What kinds of sickness do shepherds suffer from?

A.)Staff infections



Q.)Why did the retired undertakers take up dealing colored cloth?

A.)He needs to be around things that were dyed



Q.)What do you call jokes told by a farmers?

A.)Corny



Q.)What kind of sickness are cows always coming down with?

A.)Hay fever



Q.)What sores do Roman troops have in large numbers?

A.)Lesions (Legions)



Q.)What kind of sickness do people who wear business shirts get?

A.)Collaria (Cholera)





Military Bonus



Q.)What do analysts, who have been in a cold sweat, do at the end of a tasker?

A.)A hot wash



Q.)Why do hair dressers make good detectives?

A.)Because they know to comb through the evidence



Q.)Why are fat people elected as judges more often than skinny people?

A.)Because they want people to weigh in on the topics and decided the weightier matters



Nerd Bonus



Q.)What kind of pants does Mario prefer?

A.)Denim, denim, denim.....denim, denim, denim (say it quickly)



Q.)Why don't people with bananas go to food fights?

A.)Because they're yellow



Q.)What is a mathematician's favorite art form?

A.)Paint by numbers



Q.)Why don't Texas Instruments make their products out of metal?

A.)Because then they would be cold and calculating



Q.)Why was the alligator mad at his victim when he was still in disbelief after the alligator chomped off his lower torso?

A.)Because he was no longer pulling his leg



Q.)What would explorer Ponce de León have said if he had found the Fountain of Youth?

A.)I fount it



Q.)Why would Einstein never allow a clone to be made of him?

A.)Because then he would be 2 smart for his own good.



America Bonus



Q.) Why are there no knock knock jokes about America?

A.) Because Freedom rings



Q.)Why shouldn't people be upset about water spots?

A.)Because it should just wash out



Q.) Where might officers prefer to work?

A.) In the office



Q.) What on what type of TV does the last state of matter like to watch programing?

A.) A plasma screen



Q.)What do farmers say when they want people to look at their geese?

A.)Take a gander



Q.)Why do pilots consider birds cowardly?

A.)Because they are always taking flight



Nerd joke



Q.) What kind of phone does Steven Hawking use?

A.) A smart phone



Q.)Why do passengers find aircraft that they are on to be boring?

A.)Because they are just plain (plane)



Q.)What do you call a magician that levitates silverware?

A.)A fork-lift



Q.)Why do construction crews eat ice cream with a fork?

A.)Because there are forks in their rocky-road



Q.) Why are cheerleaders on the bottom of the pyramid smarter than the ones at the top?

A.) Because they understand



Q.)What do you call world news that is transmitted electronically?

A.) Current events



Q.)Why do mathematicians prefer pencils over pens?

A.)They are all about graphite



Bonus joke



Q.) What do you call a dog that brings you the door from a Chemical R&D building?

A.) A Labradoor Retriever



Q.)Why do bananas get traffic tickets when they drive their vehicles?

A.)Because they like to peel out before they split



Q.)Why can't rulers send correspondence without visiting the beach?

A.)Because the letters need a seal



Q.) What is Sherlock Holmes' favorite game to play?

A.) Win, Lose, or Draw a conclusion



Q.)Why do chickens often suffer from cabin fever?

A.)Because they are always being cooped-up



Q.)What do you call an Olympian who starts chocking on his dinner during the 200 yard dash?

A.)A running gag



Bonus joke



Q.) Why do parties end and individuals become depressed when people name Al leave?

A.) Because there is no morale (no more al)



Q.)Why aren't taxidermists allowed to take part in political debates?

A.)Because they are always beating a dead horse



Q.)Why do banks around volcanoes that have exploded have no money?

A.)Because they gone through bankruptcy



Bonus joke



Q.)Why was the patient sore at the dentist?

A.)Because he struck a nerve



Q.)Why don't salary employees like to work while sitting on hour-glasses?

A.)Because that's overtime



Q.)After the boy scouts got setup to spend the night in the woods, why did Billy set the tents on fire?

A.)He wanted a camp fire



Military Bonus



Q.)What is a CDE analyst's favorite dance?

A.) The CHA CHA (Collateral Hazard Area)



Q.)Why don't the other geometric shapes hang out with cubes?

A.)Because they are really square



Q.)Why aren't mustangs taken seriously?

A.)Because they're always horsing around



Q.)Why don't paranoid math students want to do geometry problems on graph paper?

A.)Because then they would be on the grid



Q.)Why did the shark get friendly with the bait?

A.)Because he wanted to be chums



Q.)Why don't tailors get along?

A.)Because they are always sizing each other up



Q.)Why did they not want to have battles during the day in medieval times?

A.)Because then you couldn't have any knights



Q.)Why are knights often picked for tasks involving combat?

A.)Because they are well suited (suite of armor)



Q.)Why are bus drivers always in favor of a revolution?

A.)Because they are always asking for exact change



Current Events Bonus



Q.)Why was the CDC employee quarantined after playing a game of electronic bowling?

A.)Because Ebola is deadly



Q.)Why do they throw rainbows out of comedy clubs?

A.)Because they tell colored jokes



Q.)Why do people get depressed after they eat peaches?

A.)Because then it's the pits



Q.)What is the preferred method of communication for MMA fighters?

A.)They like to TAPOUT messages in Morse Code



Q.)Why do jockeys like to drive cars?

A.)Because of all that horse power



Q.)Why do stallions dread public speaking?

A.)Because they are always horse



Holiday Bonus



Q.)Why aren't turkeys hungry on Thanksgiving?

A.)Because they are usually stuffed



Q.)What did the 911 operator do when do when she heard that the caller was dangling from a high height?

A.)She told him to please hold



Q.)Why do other circus acts dislike the high-wire performers?

A.)Because they think they're uppity



Q.)Why did the entrepreneur move his merchandise outside?

A.)Because he wanted to outsell the competition



Q.)What did the tourists say about the world's largest glass house after it was broken?

A.)It's not all it's cracked up to be



Q.)What do you get for the person who has everything?

A.)Antibiotics



Q.)What was Strategic Air Command's favorite part of Christmas?

A.) Mistletoe (Missile toe)