Don't use your cutting board-- use your toilet seat instead. After testing various household surfaces in 15 homes for bacteria, researchers from the University of Arizona told New Scientist magazine that toilet seats were much more hygienic than most kitchen surfaces... and cleaning the punchbowl is a snap...
A police officer in Dayton, Ohio has been acquitted of criminal charges after allegedly using pepper spray on Brandy Martin, a 17-year-old Wendy's restaurant worker who short-changed him at the drive-in window... we would like to commend the officer for keeping his service revolver holstered during the entire ordeal...
Janet Downes of Bellevue, Nebraska has finally decided who she wants to marry: herself. Ms. Downes has announced plans to wed herself in front of a mirror with 200 friends and relatives in attendance... what do you get for the girl who is everything?
Simon and Schuster has rejected a book proposal from Unabomber Ted Kaczinski detailing misrepresentations during his trial. The 4-page proposal was mailed to a senior editor in a "small envelope..."
Heinz Deutsch, a resident of Pattaya, Thailand was found dead of a heart attack when his wife returned home from a shopping trip. Authorities believe that the man died from over-excitement while watching World Cup soccer on television... this can't be right. I've SEEN soccer on television...
A Mount Clemens, Michigan man bet his friends that he could stay underwater and hold his breath longer than any of them. He won. Police said the man was under water for five minutes before his friends realised he wasn't playing around. Authorities said an autopsy will determine the exact cause of death... although "not breathing" has to be right up there...
The Humane Society of Arizona has offered a $10,000 reward for information on a rash of "kitten tapings" in the Phoenix area. Someone has been using duct tape to adhere several kittens to the pavement on Interstate 10...
Girl Scouts in New York State have received permission to kill about 70 Canada geese at Camp Woodhaven, after non-lethal efforts to remove the birds have failed. "It looks very bad for the Girl Scouts to be killing animals," said Esther Swanker, president of the Mohawk Girl Scout Council. "This will disturb a lot of people..." the good news: new pate-flavoured Girl Scout cookies...
A Dutch tourist in Spain was treated at a hospital for an adverse reaction to the drug Viagra. Doctors in Alicante reported that the man was suffering from "a 36-hour erection..." I can't find this category
in the Guinness Book anywhere...
Health officials in the Philippines insist you don't need Viagra, as long as you have regular blood-lettings. "Blood-letting is good for one's health," says regional health director Charito Alfonso-Awiten.
"The old cells in the body will be replaced, making the person look fresh and healthy..." you may also want to get rid of those old, tired internal organs too...
A former high school teacher in Compton, California has been convicted of filing a false police report after claiming that four students "soaked her in excrement." Subsequent forensic tests indicated
that the bulk of the human waste was "inside (her) slacks..."
Rescue workers in Delafield, Wisconsin may send Kelli Elias a $2,500.00 bill for their most recent effort. Ms. Elias got lost in the woods, officials claim, for the "seventh time in a week..."
A couple in Harwood, North Dakota were surprised Friday morning when a strange man grabbed a beer from their refrigerator and walked into their bedroom. "Hey, what's up?" asked Christopher Ramirez. Ramirez later told police he thought he was in a church... that would explain the beer...
Eight people were treated for bullet wounds after a gunfight broke out at the Alameda County Fair in Pleasanton, California this week. The San Francisco Examiner reported that the shooter and another man were fighting over the last prize at a basketball-toss game, a stuffed Tweety Bird... I tot I taw a AK-47...
Operators of a funeral home in Bradenton, Florida are in trouble over their religious beliefs. Bradenton police arrested Paula Albritton and her son, Jimmy Lee Clark, after finding a cadaver at their mortuary
with a chest cavity full of voodoo dolls...
A man at Miami International Airport jumped in an idling Florida Highway Patrol car and took off, hitting three cars before slamming into a tree. The man identified himself to police as Jesus Christ... when he
hit the tree, I distinctly heard him say "Jesus Christ..."
A Tallahassee, Florida teacher has resigned after a grand jury investigation decided he xercised "extremely poor judgement" in showing a violent horror film to his high school social studies class. Melvin Caswell says he was unaware of the controversial content of the movie, entitled "I Spit On Your Grave..."
A new Connecticut law has established a fund for people who are victims of dishonest lawyers. The Client Security Fund will cost lawyers and judges $75.00 a year... estimates are that the fund will reach 400 gazillion dollars by Friday...
Our Bozo of the Week Award goes to Howard Farmer, who allegedly robbed the Pulaski County, Arkansas bank, and was caught minutes later refuelling his getaway car at a nearby gas station...
Police in Wisconsin are investigating the shooting deaths of David Butcher and Roberta Stone, calling the crime a possible murder-suicide. Kenosha Sheriff's Sgt. John Schwarz said, "They had an on-again,
off-again relationship..." I guess it's off again...
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