Demetri Martin Quotes 4

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.

It was my friend's birthday and I was mad at him, so I sent him a card. It said happy birthday, but I put quotes around the word "Happy"... sarcastic birthday, douchebag.

I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then Í said, "Does he bite?" She said "No," and I said, "Oh yeah? Then how does he eat? ... Liar."

I think it would be cool, if you were writing a ransom note in Microsoft Word, and it popped up, the paperclip and said, "It looks like you're writing a ransom note... need some help? You should curse more." The paperclip would be all messed up, you know? I never saw a paperclip with tattoos before.

Graffiti... I don't like graffiti, unless it teaches me something, you know? Like "Oh, that's how Alex feels about Maria. I wouldn't have known if I had not walked by there, thank you." Graffiti's the most passionate literature there is, you know? It's always like "Bush sucks!" "U2 Rocks!" I want to make indifferent graffiti. "Toy Story 2 was okay!" "I like Sheryl as a friend, but I'm not sure about taking things further"; "This is a bridge!"; "That guy's right!"

If you have a pear shaped body, you should not wear pear colored clothes, or act juicy.

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in braille.

I don't like when I go in a store and they call me "Boss." "Hey boss, can I help you, boss?" When they call me boss, I go, "I got some bad news... I'm gonna have to let you go, but first bring me the earnings from the register for today. I'll give you severance, and give me the rest."
I was in a shoe store and the guys call me boss, and I said, "Ya, can I just get those sneakers in a 10?" And uh, he said, "Okay" and then he went down stairs. He came back and he said, "I don't have a 10, I have a 9." "Oh great, because while you were downstairs, my toes were severed, so that works out. Normally it would be stupid for you to tell me a number different than the one I said, 'cause it goes with my body part. But given my very recent accident, you're right on. I'll take the 9's and a pile of band-aids, thank you. You're re-hired 'cause you're a genius.

A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like "What's your favorite color?" A quick way to end a conversation is to say something like "What's your favorite color...person?"

My friend had a burrito. The next day he said, "That burrito did not agree with me." I was like, "Was the disagreement over whether or not you'd have diarrhea? Let me guess who won." "I tried to reason with it, I insisted, you know. I was like, 'I wanna go outside, I like these pants, but the burrito had his way.'"

I'm excited to be here. I almost didn't do this show, because I have certain requests in order to do a benefit show. And I said, "I'll do the show, but I need giant gay icicles behind me or I can't do it. I work with giant gay icicles or you can forget it." It worked out, it's cool, so they make me look cool and a little less gay than the icicles themselves. - melbourne comedy festival.

I heard this lady say "I love kids." That's nice, a little weird though. It's like saying "I like people, for a little while." "How old are you? 14? Buzz off!" You can say "I love kids" as a general statement, that's fine. It's when you get specific that you get in to trouble. "I love twelve-year-olds."

I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, "I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else," and I said, "I am."

I was thinking, they must have named oranges before they named carrots, "What are these?" "They're orange, then, oranges.." "Then what are THESE?" "Aww, dang.... Long Pointies?"