Demetri Martin Quotes

"I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'"


"I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'"


"I saw a guy at a party wearing a leather jacket and I thought, 'That is cool.' But then I saw another guy wearing a leather vest and I thought, 'That is not cool'. Then I figured it out: 'Cool' is all about leather sleeves."


"'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of - it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after 'I love you' or 'You're going to live' or 'It's a boy.'"


"I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it's such...a specific item. I don't know that many words and I'm going out...and I have pants. Perfect!"


"When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws. Only catapults."


"I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like 'Huh? What the heck is this?' but if it's in a fruit basket you're like 'This is nice!'"


"I feel stupid when I write the word banana. It's like, how many na's are on this thing? 'Cause I'm like 'Bana ... keep going. Bananana ... dang.'


"I like clothes, you know. I dig fabrics. One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage, because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an asshole.' But when you're in the woods you're like, 'Is there an asshole out here?' They look like trees."


"I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'"


"I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass. What I'm trying to say is, don't make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did."

"People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that, but I find that there is one situation in which they're very similar, and that is: when I am driving towards them in my car. Then they're kind of hard to tell apart... Especially if the human is kind of hairy."