Captain Loony Doubloon

At the last port-of-call before a long voyage, lonely Captain Loony Doubloon decides it's time he needs another parrot. He heads to the port's birdkeep, and finds the perfect talkative parrot perched on its swing within. The keeper discloses, however, that the bird was born with no legs, among another odd birth defect. Doubloon of course inquires, "How he be a'holdin 'is ground?" Smartly, the parrot replied "Awk! With me yardarm of course," to which the parrot opens his wings and reveals his other birth defect, his wraparound length tally-whacker. The captain is amazed at the impressive appendage, and of course considers the parrot perfect among his mangy and motley crew.

Captain Loony Doubloon and the newly-monikered Tiltin Yardarm fast become talkative mates, and the captain wastes no time in warning his feathery friend of his cunning and lecherous first mate, Rusty Pegleg. "A foul bosom's mate he is, he'll steal your wench from ye as soon as he'd steal the bung from its hole!"

They voyage on, and at the next port the crew finds a slew of horny wenches, of which the captain always gets the first pick. Doubloon immediately picks the sauciest wench of the bunch, taking well into account as Rusty Pegleg drools at the mere sight of her. The captain keeps his lady waiting in his quarters while he settles with the mistress of the brothel, betting his first mate wouldn't be brazen enough to plunder the Captain's choice pick with Tiltin Yardarm bearing witness.

However, when the Captain returns, his wench is gone, and Yardarm begins to squawk a terrible account. Loony Doubloon is incensed-
"What transpired 'ere, and where's me choice wench?!"
"Awk! Rusty Pegleg is all to blame, I swear me Cap'n!"
This further infuriates Doubloon- "Tell yer every bit of it or I'll 'ave ye defeathered 'n tarred!" Titltin musters his courage- "Awk! He burst through the door and thrust her to the bed!" The captain now is boiling. "And then what 'appened?!"
His parrot begins to quiver. "Awk! She moaned and begged him to drop his anchor!"
Doubloon unsheathes his cutlass in a fit of anger, pointing at his feathery witness- "Spare no detail or it's yer life!" Shivering, his misplaced target of anger musters- "Awk! She was clawing for him to take her, begging him, pleading him 'Oh captain, Oh captain!'"
To this, the maddened Captain Loony Doubloon thrusts the tip of his blade to the edge of the poor parrot's neck- "Every bloody detail or yer to walk the plank and find Davey Jones locker with 'im!" Tiltin Yardarm swallows heavily and replies- "I can't bear witness to what happened next. I fell right off me perch!"