Types of women...

Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh, darling, you shouldn't have!"


Also known as: Whattagal, Precious, one of the boys, My Main Squeeze, Doormat


Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly


Disadvantages: May wise up someday


Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"


Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell


Advantages: Pays attention to you


Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans


Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite."


Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Grumpy


Advantages: Predictable


Disadvantages: Contagious


The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."


Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, Yes Mom


Advantages: Often right


Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?


Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?"


Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw C'mon Honey


Advantages: Easily soothed


Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed


Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."


Also known as: Fast Girl, Freewheeler, Goodtime Charleena, Passed Out


Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys


Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs


Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at."


Also known as: No Fun, Humorless Prig, Cold fish, Chilly Proposition, Iceberg, Snarly


Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you


Disadvantages: You will have no friends


Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship."


Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic


Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable


Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud


Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now!"


Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous


Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited


Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you