Two boys walk into a pet shop.

There were two young boys in a pet shop. One named Derek, and his older brother Patrick. They had been given money by their father to buy themselves two animals—one for each of them. There was such a selection! Dogs, cats, caterpillars, giraffes, parrots, and more. They could only afford two of the smaller animals, and so they were browsing the section dedicated to these.

First they looked at the birds. There were parrots. The boys had heard that they could speak, but when they tried to converse with them, the parrots neglected to do so in a way that satisfied the boys.

“Hello, Mr Parrot. How are you doing on this fine afternoon?” asked Derek, enthusiastic about the chance to see such a wonderful creature in action.

The parrot looked at him, and to Derek's disappointment, the parrot said “Fuck off, I'm trying to sleep you dickhead!”

They moved on to the next creature which was the hamster. They watched them running around and fornicating, and as they were close with the Lord they knew that they could not associate themselves with something so foul.

Next was a turtle. Both of the brothers were impressed with the sight of the turtle.

“There is little chance of it running away!” exclaimed Patrick, “we will never lose them!”

The turtle was reading a book, and they were curious to know what it was that the turtle was into.

“I hope it's the Bible!” said Derek, excitedly.

But as they looked at it closer they came to know that it was Harry Potter and as they were close with the Lord, they knew that they could not associate themselves with something so foul.

Beside the cage that the turtle was kept in could be found a chicken. But as they were close with the Lord they knew that they could not associate themselves with something so fowl.

They searched and searched through the shop and there was nothing that wasn't recklessly rubbing the Lord's face in their own sexual deviance, engagement with the Occult, or being a chicken—the greatest of all sins, committed by several of the pet shop's creatures, including the giraffe. They lamented this fact, for the giraffe appears such an innocent and sweet character! With its whiskers and tail. But alas! As the giraffe is also gravely guilty of “being a chicken,” in the Lord's eyes he is heathen and will perish the wrath of Satan.

They sought out an employee so that they might be freed of their woes. The employee was in the process of cleaning with a broom.

They said to the woman, “Can you help us?”

She turned to them and replied, “Fuck off, I'm trying to sweep you dickhead.”

Then she saw the sadness and pain in their eyes and the love of God touched her heart and she had a change of mind.

She said to the boys “I will help you. What is it that you need?”

Derek asked of her, “Is there any creature in this Pet Shop that is not heathen. Is there one among the animals that does not offend the Lord?”

And understanding the boys' woes she said to them, “Yes, there is one,” and she led them to a small cage containing several beetles.

“Here you will find the weevil.”

And they marvelled at the small but innocent creature and they bought two of them and brought them home.

But their troubles were not over, for they could not tell which one should belong to whom. They decided that as Patrick was the oldest, he had a claim to the greatest of the two of them. But which was the greatest? Only a contest held between the weevils would decide the answer to this most glorious question. And so it began, the world's smallest Olympics; with few events instead of many, with beetles instead of humans, and with only two weevils from the same family, rather than a large portion of humans from many of the nations of Earth.

They decided that before they began the contest, they would name them. One of them would be called “Fermented Bovine Urine” and the other would be “Greg” for these are the names that most please the Lord.

The first contest would determine which of the beetles was superior in strength. It would be a contest of who could lift the most pianos, for the family had many pianos, and lifting pianos would be a feat of strength indeed. The creature that went first would be Greg. Greg lifted one piano and was tired after doing so. But for he was of great determination he lifted a second. And then a third. After this he apologised to the boys and said that there was no more that he could do.

Fermented Bovine Urine went second and it clear from the beginning that he had little capacity to lift any piano whatsoever. He was saddened by his failure and wept, for he was of inferior strength.

The next competition was to determine how each of the weevils was with navigation. So they put each in turn into a maze of the boys' own construction. Greg, once again, was first, and he finished the maze within minutes.

Fermented Bovine Urine was the next contestant and he was less talented with navigation than Greg was, for he could not even make it past the first alligator-pit that had been installed. He wept once more that he was not capable of defeating Greg.

The next would determine their intelligence and so they were each given the same math problem.

“Surely” exclaimed Fermented Bovine Urine, “I can win this competition!”

But whereas Greg managed to provide the correct answer, Fermented Bovine Urine had merely drawn pictures of boobies for half an hour, and numbered them so that the boys might know he can count.

The next competition would determine which of them had greater musical talent. They would both sing a song for the boys, accompanied by their mother on the piano, and the boys would know who could sing with superiority.

Greg chose a piece of opera, and delivered with great competence. His voice was strong, his notes were on-pitch, his technique was at a professional level. Fermented Bovine Urine chose a punk-rock song and was disqualified.

The last and most important test was the competition to see who among the beetles was closest with the Lord. Greg stood up in front of the two boys and with no reference to the Holy Book, recited the entire Bible verbatim.

Fermented Bovine Urine felt the Lord in his heart, but whereas Greg was greatly dedicated to his relationship with Christ, he had spent little time on it. He instead read out select passages from Chad Kroeger's Wikipedia page.

It was now decided. Patrick was to own Greg, the greater of the weevils, and Derek was to own Fermented Bovine Urine. The two boys took each of the creatures to their rooms and put them in their individual cages.

The next day they started to notice a difference in each of their lives which they knew was directly caused by the introduction of the weevils into their homes. Derek, the owner of Fermented Bovine Urine had gone to school that day and had found that whereas in the past people would ignore him, they began to notice him and celebrate his existence. He had become a greatly popular boy at his school. Derek praised the Lord for his blessings and marvelled in the wonder of his Glory.

As the owner of Greg, Patrick's experience at school that day was different. Whereas in the past he had been ignored by his peers, now they would beat the living shit out of him and call him names. Patrick was enraged that his brother had been blessed and he had not, despite him owning the greater of the pets!

He cried out to the Lord, “Why, God? Why have you allowed me to suffer this way?”

But the Lord was trolling Atheists on Reddit and did not hear him.

The next day Derek was given a gift by a generous neighbour which was a new bicycle. This bicycle was faster, easier to control and a far smoother ride than any he had ever experienced. He praised the Lord for his blessings and marvelled in the wonder of his Glory.

Patrick's current bicycle got run over by a car whilst he was riding it and he was given several cuts and bruises and a completely broken spine.

He cried out to the Lord, “Why, God? Why have I been cursed so?”

But the Lord was browsing Redtube and did not hear him.

A week later Fermented Bovine Urine gave Derek a hug, and Derek was pleased for he knew that his life was filled with love and joy! He praised the Lord for his blessings and marvelled in the wonder of his glory.

Patrick, though he could no longer move, asked Greg for a hug, but the beetle mistook his words and stabbed him with a used needle. He contracted aides, and cancer of the aides and was stoned to death for being a homosexual by the members of his church.

In his final moments he cried out to the Lord, “Why, God? Why have you blessed my brother so and cursed me when my weevil was greater?”

But though the Lord could hear him, he was disinterested in Patrick and neglected him out of indifference.

You see, my children, there is a moral here. You must always choose the lesser of two weevils.