Twas the night before Christmas, American-style (NSFW language)

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the theater,
no insurgents were stirring, not even Ahmad Abousamra

Hussain was hung by his neck, you'll remember,
Because of blah blah blah the eleventh of September;

The American civilians were all snug in their beds;
While an all-volunteer miltary protects theirs asses and heads;

And mamma up in Maine, and me here in Texas,
Give thanks all year round, not just Memorial Day and Veterans,

When on mainstream news there arises such a clatter,
The jingoists spring to alert, and leave a big, brown shit-splatter.

Away to the web I fly like a flash,
And log on to reddit to see what's the haps.

Some new vitriol is now widely known,
With news breaks at midday with content that blows,

When what to my glazed-over eyes does appear,
But 'Claus, Santa' and a big bullet sprayer,

With an E2 driver so lively and quick,
Call that grunt's NCOIC, who watches him piss,

I went off on a tangent, let's get back to St. Nick.
And tear-shedding eagle t-shirt wearing pricks,

I will get specific and call out some names:
"Fuck Gretchen! Fuck Doocy! Fuck O'Reilly, Fuck Megyn!

Fuck Anderson Cooper, fuck Blitzer, Fuck Bolduan!

Right up your ass with all of that shit!
Now fuck all mainstream media...yes ALL...FUCK ALL OF IT!"

On tangents I go, my blood alcohol high,
I do have a point, and I'll get to it nigh;

'round the planet in secret, like the X-37B that flew,
Santa's a mystery to all, the US President, too;

And I think that fat bastard is now on my roof,
My new shingles marred by those goddamn deer hooves!

As I drew my Marine Magnum, and was turning around,
Someone got stuck in the chimney flue, at least that's how it sounds.

He was shouting something about "unarmed" something or other,
I said "I don't want to hear it, wrong house motherfucker!!";

A bundle of toys had fallen to the grate,
Some cheap Chinese shit, with BfPA!!

I knew in this moment I should be a bit more merry!
But I'd not yet busted my LE TAC8 cherry!

The drool from his mouth dripped down into my house,
The fat bastard had to go, and I mean right fucking now;

I pointed the nickel-plated barrel at his teeth,
"I don't give a fuck how you go, but I suggest that you leave;"

He had a look on his face that I'd say was quite telling
And he shook and he trembled, like a bowl full of jelly.

He was panicked and freaked out, that dumb fucking elf,
And I laughed when I saw this. "Schadenfreude, self?"

With a twitch of his eye and a little popcorn fart
He was gone in an instant, and he trailed 'yule log' shart;

I heard not a word, but the hooves started stomping,
They took off like big birds, with Big Bird-sized droppings,

He lay his finger on the side of his nose,
I could tell it was the middle finger, because of the gloves;

He yelled from his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like a Minuteman III missile.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight
“Kiss my ass, all you haters, the line forms to the right!”