The Top 16 Ways to Commit Suicide After the Stock Market Crash

The Top 16 Ways to Commit Suicide After the Stock Market Crash16> Sit under Hong Kong Finance Minister's window. Wait. 15> Rub together the two pennies you still have left to create a spark to ignite the alcohol vapors emanating from you. 14> The 'Death of a Thousand Self-Inflicted Paper Cuts' from worthless stock certificates. 13> Show up at the Million Woman March in your Al Jolson makeup.12> Go to White House. Place life-size cutouts of Chinese millionaires in lawn. Stand behind door and wait. 11> Enter the nearest Starbucks and declare that you've been appointed Chief of the Slacker Police. 10> Five words: Dr. Kevorkian, Certified Financial Planner 9> Borrow $50,000 from Vinnie The Shark and invest it all in John Denver Aeronautics. 8> Find Jim Harbaugh, then tell him he's a weenie *and* his stocks tanked. 7> Hold a 'Communists for the Deportation of Livan Hernandez' meeting at your Miami apartment. 6> Tie yourself to Marv Albert's career. 5> Jump from the top of Janet Reno. 4> Urinate into the Times Square electronic stock ticker. 3> Sneak up quietly behind a bear, carefully place both hands on its rear haunches, and attempt to get some eye-for-an-eye revenge, if you know what I mean. 2> 1)Chair; 2)Chains; 3)Eyelid props; 4)The Jenny McCarthy Show. and the Number 1 Way to Commit Suicide After the Stock Market Crash... 1> Ponder the fact that Gates the Geek won't even miss the $1.75 *billion* he lost today, until your head implodes.