13> Every time you attempt to take on the evil Church of Science empire, it files a lawsuit and gets a restraining order.
12> When you finally turn off your "Vice City" game, you find your bed has a severed horse head in it.
11> Your current high score is used to calculate the Department of Homeland Security's national threat level.
10> Automatic withholding of 28% of your bonus points.
9> After three hours of "Grand Theft Auto: Vice City" you decide to watch a little TV -- only to discover that you're the lead story on "America's Most Wanted."
8> A little John Ashcroft icon hangs in the corner of the screen, watching your every move.
7> Every time you bump the car in front of you in "NASCAR 2003," your keyboard's airbag smacks you in the face.
6> Ms. Pac-Man refuses to do much of anything until her PMS eases up.
5> The decaying zombie carcasses smell worse than your room does.
4> Every time you play, the same sick feeling of hopelessness and despair descends on you, leaving you unab-- oh, wait, that's Quicken.
3> Bill Bennett's got $1,000 riding on the outcome.
2> Donkey Kong only seems to have two moves this time: throwing poop and masturbating.
1> Try as you might, you can't seem to find the frighteningly destructive weapons the bad guy's supposed to have.
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[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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