The Three Kingdoms (Redux)

Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these three kingdoms had fought over an island centered at the middle of the lake. Over the years, the kingdoms had shed much blood and made many sacrifices in order to have control over the immense beauty and bountiful resources inherent in the small island; however no kingdom has managed to gain complete control over the land for very long.

These kingdoms had resorted to praying to their own deities and angels to gain advantage in their battles, creating pendants and standards for their soldiers to carry. The trinkets were so absurd that it got to the point where even the standards had complementary standards to go along with them. The religion itself was also absurd, the kingdoms had three deities: the Northern, more opulent kingdom worshiped the angel of the right hand; the Western kingdom worshiped the angel of the shoulders; finally, the southern, most impoverished kingdom worshiped the angels of the left thigh. Despite the absurdity, the religiosity did seem to give some advantages to the knights and squires.

After many bloody years, a spirit from the forest to the East came in the form of a deer (or maybe it was a tree) who also, peculiarly enough, made delicious baked pastries. He gave unto the three kingdoms some wisdom and his best judgement. He presented a solution, that if the three kingdoms were to have one large, final,
glorious battle, then the winner should be granted undisputed control over the central island. After some discussion between the three kingdoms, it was decided that the ultimate battle will take place the following day. Before they went their separate ways, they asked the forest spirit which kingdom he believed would be victorious. He conjectured that there would be a victor as long as the proper archangel was worshiped because then the victor will win regardless;
otherwise, as long as the religious artifacts of the most deserving side are not stolen, then they will win.

With that, the kingdoms sent their knights and squires to the island to prepare for the battle that will ensue the following day. The northern kingdom, being quite rich, sent an army of 25 knights, each with 24 squires and 7 bottles of wine. That night, the knights cavorted and jousted as their squires polished their armor, cooked their food, and sharpened their weapons. They brought an altarpiece and many relics to worship their angel. The western kingdom, being less well off than the northern, sent 13 knights each with 12 squires and 5 bottles of wine. That night, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires cooked their food and polished their armor. They could only bring a few icons that they shared amongst themselves. The southern kingdom, being very poor, only sent one elderly knight and his own son as his squire. The knight
polished his armor and sharpened his weapons as the squire prepared to make his soup by tying a looped rope around the cauldron and hanging it high above the fire. They had only brought a single piece of a co-part standard, only having half of the total set. Every soldier was praying to their respective archangels, hoping that they were praying to the right ones.

The following day, the knights from the first two kingdoms were too tired to fight (as they had cavorted a bit too much). The squire from the third kingdom could not awake his elderly father either. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires decided to fight themselves. The battle raged for many hours and many had sought to steal the relics each side had of their respective religions in order to gain the upper hand as prophesied by the forest spirit.

Meanwhile, the people of the three kingdoms were all waiting in the forest, watching the battle beyond the water that separated them. As night approached, the victors had not yet been spotted. As they waited, a single boat approached them which harbored who they asserted was the last remaining soldier of the battle. In a surprising turn of events, it was the squire from the Southern kingdom! All he had with him was a lantern, his father's sword, and the half of the co-standard he carried to battle.

After the commotion settled down, the forest spirit came again, presenting them all with some baked pastries and spoke some more wisdom with the squire. The squire was eventually given the throne of the southern kingdom, and was asked how he accomplished this feat of excellence.

"As a surprise, we were not worshiping the correct angel. The Pie Stag (or Treant) Theorem states that for the right thigh angels, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides. However, in this case, the other sides were missing the co-sign of this squire's corresponding angel."