More Famous Quotes To Ponder

I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, "Whoa, I'm way too high!" - Bruce Baum

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. - Sue Murphy

When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family? - Robin Williams

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. - Jeff Foxworthy

I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget. - Michael McShane

What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad. - Dave Barry

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. - Rodney Dangerfield

Should I really care what kind of beer frogs recommend? - Dennis Miller

Scratch a dog, and you'll find a permanent job. - Franklin P. Jones

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get one million miles to the gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside. - Robert X. Cringley

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. - Dave Barry

It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend. - John Dryden

A new cologne is coming out. It's for cowboys, and it's made from cow's manure. That way the women will be on you like flies! - Bill Maher

Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. - Robin Williams

On my gravestone, I want to say "I told you I was sick." - Tom Waits

A pessimist is a man who looks both ways before crossing a one-way street. - Laurence J. Peter

Too often, the opportunity knocks, but by the time you push back the chain, push back the bolt, unhook the two locks and shut off the burglar alarm, it's too late. - Rita Coolidge

Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. - Roseanne

Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, "Thank God, I'm still alive." But, of course, those who died - their lives will never be the same again. - Barbara Boxer, Senator

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. The always say because it's such a beautiful animal. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her. - Ellen DeGeneres

I went out to dinner with a Marine last weekend. He looked across the table and he goes, "I could kill you in seven seconds." I go, "I'll just have toast, then." - Margaret Smith

They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown. - Carl Sagan

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" - Dave Barry

The difference between being in a relationship and being in prison is that in prisons they let you play softball on the weekends. - Bobby Kelton

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. - Jay Leno

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else. - Lily Tomlin

At 38 years, I finally got me the woman that said those six words I wanted all my life to hear: "My dad owns a liquor store." - Mark Klein

I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want it. - Bill Cosby

In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra...Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts? - Jay Leno

I love being married. I was single for a long time, and I just got so sick of finishing my own sentences. - Brian Kiley

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh!" - Conan O'Brien

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. - Elayne Boosler

The problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. - Robin Williams

In high school, I wanted to be a feminist, but my boyfriend wouldn't let me. - Denise Munro

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base. - Dave Barry

Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp. - Bob Ettinger

My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' - Paula Poundstone

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize I could be eating a slow learner. - Lynda Montgomery

I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west." - Richard Jeni

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. - Johnny Carson

Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." - Paul Rodriguez

In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower? - Warren Hutcherson

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? - Marsha Warfield

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. - Mark Twain

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance. - Tim Allen

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." - Elayne Boosler

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. - Phyllis Diller

I think I am, therefore I am. I think. - George Carlin

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? - Jay Leno

The post office says they're raising the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they're going from semi-automatics to uzis... - Conan O'Brien

Men look at women the way men look at cars... Everyone looks at Ferraris. Now and then we like a pickup truck, and we all buy station wagons... - Tim Allen

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know... Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." - Jerry Seinfield

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight. - Rita Rudner

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive. - Tim Allen

AT&T is now offering a new service that allows you to pay your bills through your TV screen by using your remote control. So instead of saying, "The check's in the mail," people are going to say, "Hey, I wanted to pay, but I couldn't find the remote." - Jay Leno

You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again. - Joan Rivers

A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers! - Jay Leno

I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada. - Britney Spears

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see it shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded. - Tim Allen

Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code.....he turned himself in. - Rita Rudner

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. - George Carlin

That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that the Vatican has overlooked... - Bill Cosby

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody." - Garry Shandling

If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either. - Dick Cavett