Santa's problems witth the 12 days of Christmas

Santa Claus Ltd North PoleDecember 1999Dear Mary:I have been watching you very closely to see if you have been good this year, and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your tree on Christmas.I was going to bring you all the gifts from the "Twelve Days of Christmas," but we have a little problem up here. The Twelve Fiddlers fiddling have all come down with STD's from fiddling with the Ten Ladies Dancing; the Eleven Lords a Leaping have knocked up the Eight Maids a Milking; the Nine Pipers Playing have been arrested for doing weird things to the Seven Swans a Swimming ...Even worse! The Six Geese a Laying, Four Calling Birds, Three French Hens, Two Turtle Doves, and the Partridge In a Pear Tree have me up to my ass in bird crap!On top of all this, Mrs. Claus is going through the menopause; eight of my reindeer are in heat; the elves have joined the Gay Liberation Movement, and those dumb-ass Liberals have scheduled Christmas in Sydney for the 5th of January.... Nevertheless, hope YOU have a merry Christmas!Yours faithfully,SantaChief Executive Officer