Movie Review: Supernova

Editor's Note: Although this is not a joke, it's still funny as hell and I couldn't resist posting it. It's a review of Supernova from the Self-Made Critic at www.brunching.com, pretty much proving what I thought would be true (hope it's not too late for any of you)...----------In the name of all that is Holy, do NOT see this movie!!!There, that's really about all you need to know about the new sci-fi disaster, Supernova.The movie is so horrible, it is my civic duty to keep you away from it. So I'm going to ruin absolutely any and all of the movie that I possibly can.Here's what the movie is about, I think. (It was sometimes hard to understand what was happening because, well, it was really stupid.) There's this big, deep-space medical rescue ship. They pick up a distress signal from an abandoned moon. They go to the moon, pick up a lone guy who has a weird object. The guy starts to kill everybody. They kill him. The object causes a supernova. The movie ends. Everybody's dead except for James Spader and Angela Bassett. Everyone. There isn't a single character in the movie other than those two who lives.Oh, and a supernova is heading towards Earth and will destroy it in 51 years. Oh well, sucks to be Earth.Apparently, according to this movie, in the future, everybody is really, really dumb, and they've never seen a sci-fi movie in their lives. How dumb can the human race really be? How dumb could the writers have been? At one point, they specifically tell us that the ship only has 6 special 'jump pods', and then later, the computer tells us that evil bad guy has just destroyed Pod #7. Excuse me?Rule #1 if you're ever out in deep space: Don't go rescue the weird guy who shouldn't be out there anyway. And definitely don't bring his mysterious cargo onboard. I wanted to spend the movie bitch-slapping the characters. "His bone structure is unlike anything I've ever seen in a human. It's completely over-developed. Huh. Weird. What's for dinner?"SLAP"Our ship has just lost 82% of its power, our captain's head fused with plexiglass and we have an eleven minute window to escape certain death. Let's go to bed together."SLAP"The evil bad guy, who has demonstrated Superman-like strength, has just killed two of our crew. Let's split up and walk aimlessly through the ship looking for him."SLAP"I just found an unknown, odd, bizarrely pulsating alien object. I'm gonna open it up and stick my hand in it to see what happens."SLAP"We just picked you up from an abandoned moon in deep space and you can read my mind, which no other human being has ever been able to do. Neat. Let's go to bed."SLAP"We are a medical rescue ship with a crew of six with only six 'jump pods' so if we ever actually rescued anyone, we wouldn't be able to actually bring them home."SLAPWho directed this heap? That's another a sci-fi story all its own.Officially, Thomas Lee directed this movie. Who's Thomas Lee? He doesn't exist. He's the next Alan Smithee. The real director was Walter Hill, and he took his name off this movie faster than you can say "Oy! What have I done to my career!" Then Francis Ford Coppola had a go at a final cut, but you won't find his name anywhere near this film either.The movie was scheduled to be released in the Summer of 1997. That's not a typo. 1997. It cost, get this, over $70 million dollars to make this movie. Do you have any idea how many Blair Witches you could make for that kind of money?Speaking of The Blair Witch Project, this film was filmed in Blair-Witch-o-Vision, with a shaky camera that doesn't sit still for a second. It's like the camera operator was suffering from epilepsy throughout the entire film. $70 million and they couldn't afford a stedicam?Supernova gets 3/4 of a Babylon. Why not 0? Because the movie teaches us how pear brandy is made, and that educational effort is worth 3/4 of a Babylon.Other than that, save your soul, don't see this film!!! **SUPERNOVARated: PG-13 (thought it was so obviously meant to be a R that it's ridiculous.)Directed by: Thomas Lee (Walter Hill, I can't let him off the hook so easily.)Starring: A lot of people who should be ashamed of themselves.