December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down
and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas cards.
December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering
machine.
December 3
Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion a
cat-o-nine-tails. Flog gardener.
December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses me.
December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.
December 7
Debug Windows '2000
December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 11
Laid Faberge egg.
December 12
Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13
Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for
decorative pie crusts.
December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "Holiday Scents" in case tires are
shot out at mall.
December 17
Child proofs the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height
when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a
festive sparkle to the pasture.
December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon
sticks.
December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.
December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas. Festoon windows with worthless stock.
December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute
Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they
really are.
December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade
potpourri.
December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
December 31
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone
of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
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