The Top 15 Signs You're NOT the Funniest Person in America

15> All your monologues begin with "Death to the infidels!"


14> Every time you start a "knock knock" joke, Simon Cowell pops out of the bushes and kicks you in the crotch.


13> You still can't understand why your "women are like vector calculus, but men are like tensor analysis" routine doesn't crack 'em up every time.


12> You're opening for Yakov Smirnoff. In Branson. For his Monday morning show.


11> You pioneered the joke format of Setup, Punch, Explanation, Apology.


10> Your Sam Kinnison impersonation not only failed to get you any laughs, it forced you to concede the democratic presidential bid to John Kerry.


9> The subject line of all your e-mails: "FWD: FWD: FWD: LOL!"


8> You're still working on that "Viagra rhymes with Niagara" gag you caught a teasing glimpse of two years ago.


7> Your copyrighted signature catch-phrase is "Get it?"


6> Although there's a humorous anecdote or two to be gleaned from forgetting to set your alarm clock and missing your flight, "Abu, the 20th Hijacker" keeps getting his ass kicked at open-mike night.


5> The trick boutonniere on your lapel is connected to your urinary catheter.


4> Your funniest bit involves snarky responses to a cease-and-desist letter from Worldwide Pants, but your attorney won't let you post it on your lame-ass Web site.


3> Your "watch me pull a baby out of this vagina" joke is just creepy.


2> Your new WB sitcom pilot was responsible for the first-ever Laugh Tracks Union strike.


1> Your "homage to Gallagher" involves a huge mallet and live puppies.


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[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]