What a day.

>Once, while shopping at a crowded Dollar General in New Hampshire, I accidentally shat myself in front of a church group of old ladies. For some reason they believed my shit had healing powers and started sticking their hands down my pants, scooping out the putrid fecal chunks. They started praising it while singing hymns and reciting the scriptures. I was so scared. I mean, you read about these types of things all the time, but never did I think it could happen to me.

>The store manager was this really butch feminist chick who actually had more facial hair than me. She quickly approached us, politely asking the now shit-smeared elderly ladies to please calm down and to praise my turds outside, away from the other confused customers. Turning to me next, her face instantly snapped into a man-hating scowl. My vision suddenly blurred as my insides cramped with fire, collapsing onto the cold tile of floor beneath me, too dazed at the time to realize she had just brutally kicked me in the nuts. Towering over me like a mighty oak tree, she stuck her index finger in my face yelling, "The next time I have to leave my office on account of your pussy-ass stinkin' up the place, I'm gonna butt-fuck your face with my she-cock! Got it?!"

>"Yes, ma'am, yes, ma'am...please no more...", I pleaded, tears swelling in my eyes.

>After spitting in my face, the wretched she-beast stormed back to where she came, leaving me to slowly catch my breath. The other customers snickered at me as I attempted to regain my footing, grasping at the shelves to support my weight, my legs still weak with pain. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't aroused by the sexual humiliation of being emasculated by an angry, troglodytic woman in front of a crowd. It was kind of hot.

>Anyway, I limped from the store back to my mint green Geo Metro, falling into the driver's seat, exhausted. I realized I had accidentally stepped in dog shit somewhere between the store and my car, tracking it in; shit in my pants, shit on my shoes, testicles in a coma. What a day.