Funny Stuff

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next
door went nuts.


If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is
that considered a hostage situation?


If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?


If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?


After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting
OUT of the water?


Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?


If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?


Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?


Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the
Special Olympics?


When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a
woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.


If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?


Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?


Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak?


How come abbreviated is such a long word?


If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice
as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?


Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the
battery is dead?


Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw
hamburgers?


Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished?
Shouldn't they be called builts?


Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?


Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?


When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near
miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!!


Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?


Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in
charge of everything outdoors?


If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?


Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is
open, it's not a door?


Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe
you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.


How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always
ducked when someone threw a gun at him?


If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of
progress?


Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients,
but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?


Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?


Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a
suitcase?


Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?


What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?


If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have
monkeys and apes?


Do married people live longer than single people, or does it
just SEEM longer?


I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the
self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the
purpose.


If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are
they all still working?


Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?


War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.