Food for Thought

"The problem with the designated driver program is it's not a
desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have
fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong
house." --- Jeff Foxworthy


"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we
should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants
to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There
should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should
have to find you a temp." --- Bob Ettinger


"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better
verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of
that study: -- -- Duh." --- Conan O'Brien


"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway
through my fish burger and I realize, oh my God.... I could be
eating a slow learner." ---Lynda Montgomery


"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes
out with a riding vacuum cleaner." --- Roseanne


"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in
New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but
it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --- Richard Jeni


"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--- Paul Rodriguez


"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned
sixty, and that's the law." --- Jerry Seinfeld


"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up
quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is
the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" --- Warren Hutcherson


"Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of
Congress...But I repeat myself." ---Mark Twain


"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At
least they can find Kuwait." --- A. Whitney Brown


"We have women in the military, but we don't put them in the
front lines. We don't know if they can fight or if they can
kill. I think they can. All the general has to do is walk over
to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say
you look fat in those uniforms.'" --- Elayne Boosler