Computer Viruses

Beware of the following new computer viruses
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ADAM AND EVE VIRUS - Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

AIRBAG VIRUS - Can only cause harm if you are a petite computer operator who sits too close to the screen. Provides a handy ON-OFF switch in most current release.

AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS - You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

AL GORE VIRUS - Claims that it is the Internet. Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting.

ALZHEIMER'S VIRUS - It makes your computer forget where it put your files.

APPLE VIRUS - Virus-8, originally planned as a revolutionary redesign of aging but classic virus software, had to be repackaged and simplified after the original attempt failed to keep up with rapidly shifting design goals. Fortunately, the current production version can infect older Macintoshes as well as the latest models.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS v 1.0 - It terminates and stays resident. It'll be back!

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS v 2.0 - Now widespread in California where it wiped out the Gray Davis virus and is terminating programs left and right in the state legislature's computers.

AT&T VIRUS - Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

BILL CLINTON VIRUS v 1.0 - It has a six inch hard drive and no memory. Freezes entire system due to unresolved memory conflicts.

BILL CLINTON VIRUS v 2.0 - It tells you it's executing any program you want, whether or not it's on your computer.

BILL CLINTON VIRUS v 3.0 - Fills you with the compulsion to cut wasteful government spending at the same time that it compels you to hop into an airplane for a $200.00 haircut at taxpayer expense.

BILL CLINTON VIRUS v 4.0 - Mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does.

BILL CLINTON VIRUS v 5.0- Promises to give equal time to all processors- 50% to poor, slow processors; 50% to middle-class processors, and 50% to rich ones. This Virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.

BILL CLINTON VIRUS v 6.0 - Automatically connects to every URL in your Internet browser's list of bookmarks, then it tells you emphatically that your computer never made any connections to any URL, because since it didn't transmit and receive simultaneously, it wasn't really connected.

BILL GATES VIRUS - This dominant strain searches for desirable features in all other viruses via the internet. It then either engulfs the competing viruses or removes their access to computers until they die out.

BIN LADEN (aka AL QAEDA) VIRUS - displays threatening messages and spawns numerous smaller viruses that periodically destroy files. The Bin Laden virus and its spawned viruses are being seen less and less frequently and may be becoming extinct due to the spread of the George W. Bush virus.

BIRTHDAY VIRUS - Keeps advancing your clock by another year.

BOB DOLE VIRUS - Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to be much of a threat.

BOB DOLE (aka VIAGRA) VIRUS - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

BUREAUCRAT VIRUS - Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

CHILD VIRUS - It constantly does annoying things, but is too cute to get rid of.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS v 1.0 - It runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

COMGRESSIONAL VIRUS v 2.0 - Computer locks up, screen splits vertically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS v 3.0 - Overdraws your disk space.

COUCH POTATO VIRUS - Just sits there, eating chips all day.

DEMOCRAT VIRUS - Doesn't allow you to delete inefficient programs or wasted disc space - if you try, it accuses you of being a "mean-spirited extremist".

DIET VIRUS - Allows your hard drive to lose weight by eliminating the FAT table.

DISNEY VIRUS - Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

DOLLY PARTON VIRUS - It sounds pretty good, but you'd swear your monitor looks larger and have more knobs than it used to. DEFLATE.COM removes it.

DONALD TRUMP VIRUS - Harmless unless you use online banking.

ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS v 1.0 - Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC.

ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS v 2.0 - Disks can no longer be inserted.

ELVIS VIRUS - Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy and then self-destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS - Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.

FEDERAL RESERVE VIRUS - Affects performance of CDs.

FIRESTONE VIRUSES - Causes mouse to explode after 10,000 miles. Flying toasters actually fly off your screen saver. Leaves chunks of its code all over the information highway.

FREUDIAN VIRUS - Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard. Becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive.

FRENCH VIRUS - garbles some files and then displays a message asking you for help. If you click OK, it just garbles more files and asks for help again. If you click Cancel, it displays the message, "I surrender!" and shuts down your computer. If you click Ignore, it scans your computer for the German and Russian viruses. If the French, Russian, and German viruses find each other, they merge into a single virus that conflicts with the George W. Bush virus, slowing it down.

GALLUP POLL VIRUS - 60% of the PC's infected will lose 30% of their data 14% of the time (plus or minus a 3.5% margin of error).

GEORGE MICHAEL VIRUS - Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup.

GEORGE W. BUSH VIRUS v 1.0 - Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November.

GEORGE W. BUSH VIRUS v 2.0 - Tells you it's going to eliminate all other viruses from your computer but that it may take a long time. Then it actually does scan your computer and eliminate viruses. It also scans for Programs of Mass Destruction (PMD), which are programs that destroy a lot of files if they are run. PMDs may be caused by a number of other viruses, such as the Saddam Hussein virus. The only problems with the George Bush virus are that it uses up a lot of your computer's resources while it's scanning, it never seems to find any PMDs, and it keeps switching the background color on your computer screen back and forth between yellow and orange.

GERALDO RIVERA VIRUS - Digs dirt out of your files, but it airs the dirt for all to see. Temporarily disabled with CHAIR.EXE.

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS - Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

GRIDLOCK VIRUS - Keeps shuffling information that it calls 'bills' between your CPU and BUS, sending messages like 'House Bill #xxxx is unacceptable to Senate'. Never gets any work done.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS - Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS v 1.0 - Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later, in another directory.

HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS v 2.0 - sets the "hidden" attribute on all your accounting files and tells you your computer won't run in 2004 or 2008. Many experts believe this virus may become its most dangerous in 2008.

HOWARD STERN VIRUS - One of the dirtiest viruses around. It writes 4 letter words to all of your files just to annoy the operating system. It also installs an X-rated GIF on your hard drive. Very popular.

HURRICANE VIRUS - It blows away all your files, then tells you the government will help you rebuild them.

IRS AUDIT VIRUS - It comes in with very little warning, digs through all your files then sells all your worldly possessions on Ebay, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it. It doubles the files on your hard drive while it states it is decreasing the number of files, increases the cost of your computer, taxes its CPU to maximum capacity, and then uses Quicken to access your bank accounts and deplete your balances.

JEFFREY DAHMER VIRUS - Eats away at your systems resources piece by piece.

JERRY SPRINGER VIRUS - Appears on your screen and says it has something to tell you and you may not like it.

JESSE JACKSON VIRUS - warns you repeatedly not to reproduce illegitimate files, but meanwhile, it's reproducing illegitimate files in the background. And if you don't have a color monitor displaying 32-bit true color, it floods your screen with icons and threatens to shut down your computer.

JIMINY CRICKET VIRUS - Changes your Zip disk into a Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah disk.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS - Nobody can find it. Your programs can never be found again.

JOHNNY COCHRAN VIRUS - (Often accompanied by one or more of the O.J. Viruses.) If it has no RISC, you must FDISK.

JOKE VIRUS - poses as a harmless list of funny computer virus names. Is quickly passed from one user to all other users via e-mail, consequently consuming all known network resources.

KAFKA VIRUS - Your operating system gradually metamorphosizes into a big hairy bug.

KEN STARR VIRUS v 1.0 - Completely examines every aspect of your computer, then compiles a complex report that discredits every aspect of your computer.

KEN STARR VIRUS v 2.0 - Developed in early 1990's at considerable government expense. Claims to be working on one task but can quickly switch functions when the first process bogs down. Only operates on US government computers at this time. Tends to diminish effectiveness of more important programs by hogging most CPU cycles with infinite loops.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS - Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to. Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.

LAPD VIRUS - It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."

LEFT-WING-DRIVEL VIRUS - Deletes all monetary files, but keeps smiling and sending messages about how the economy is going to get better.

LINUX VIRUS - Causes the computer to hang for several days while it tracks down hardware drivers, networking how-to's, and window managers. Then it quits, saying that if you had better programming skills, your hard drive would be wiped by now.

MAFIA VIRUS - You don't want it, but you're afraid to get rid of it.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS - It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

MARTHA STEWART VIRUS - Takes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop.

MCI VIRUS v 1.0 - Encourages you to send it to your friends and family.

MCI VIRUS v 1.0 - Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS v 1.0 - Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance.

MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS v 2.0 - It preys on child processors.

MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS v 3.0 - It's BAD. Computer freaks out when you put flame or Pepsi next to it. Some people think it's identical to the Latoya Jackson virus because they have both never been seen together.

MIKE TYSON VIRUS - Quits after one byte.

MILITIA VIRUS - Wipes out your operating system claiming it has no right to control your PC.

MOM VIRUS - Places a phone call to your mother every time you click on an adult website.

MONICA LEWINSKY VIRUS v 1.0 - It sucks the juice out of your system, but only affects laptops. Then, it emails everyone about what it did. This later activates the Independent Counsel virus.

MONICA LEWINSKY VIRUS v 2.0 - A low level virus that enters restricted parts of your file system 36 times yet there's no record of its activity. When it runs, it has no improper relationship with your computer's executive software yet its effectiveness is somehow diminished.

MORAL MAJORITY VIRUS - This modest virus claimed great influence in the 1980's, but fell behind in features and upgrades and was finally abandoned by it's developers.

MTV's "THE REAL WORLD" VIRUS - Replaces your default Windows sounds with excruciating Gen-X whining and bitching.

NATIONAL ORGANIZATION OF WOMEN (NOW) VIRUS - Forces your PC to recognize its female connections as male connections.

NATIONAL PUBLIC RADIO VIRUS - This virus design used to be quite influential and innovative when it's original release was publicly funded. After Government funding cuts yanked its teeth, the designers sold out to corporate interests and it no longer affects your data much.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS - Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

NEWT GINGRICH VIRUS - It repartitions your hard disk into two volumes yet allocates most of the available resources to the 'Right' partition. When attacked by anti-virus software from the 'left' partition, it terminates and restarts to continue its work as a background process.

NIKE VIRUS - Just does it.

O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS v 1.0 - It claims that it did not, could not, and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.

O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS v 2.0 (Often accompanied by the Johnny Cochran Virus.) – You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you just can't prove it. Every time you try to search for a file, it runs "Pro Golf Tour 2000" instead.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS - Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS v 1.0 - Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.

PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS v 2.0 - Your system works fine, but it complains loudly about foreign software.

PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS v 3.0 - Splits an otherwise healthy hard drive into two meaningless parts. Don't worry -- it affects less than 1% of computers and isn't likely to spread at all.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS - This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack- Once, if by LAN; twice if by C.

PBS VIRUS - Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for a tax deductible contribution.

POKEMAN VIRUS - Sucks up all your money and only renders 3rd rate animation.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS v 1.0 - Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS v 2.0 - Rephrases the "Abort, Retry, Fail" prompt as "Choice, Retry, Success-Impaired".

PONZI VIRUS - It logs onto your bank's computer and transfers $1 into the accounts of the owners of the last 10 computers it was on. It then attaches itself to the next 10 items of mail you send.

POPE JOHN PAUL VIRUS - Deletes all your dirty files and blesses the rest.

PORNOGRAPHY VIRUS - Consumes all available hard drive space, but leaves the computer's owner with a warm sense of contented well-being.

PRO-CHOICE VIRUS - Although it presents the standard "Abort, Retry, Fail" prompt, it pressures you to choose "Abort", telling you the process being terminated is just "a blob of bits" which has no value.

PROZAC VIRUS - Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION VIRUS - Makes your browser stop at every website.

QUANTUM LEAP VIRUS - One day your PC is a laptop, the next day it is a Macintosh, then a Nintendo.

RALPH NADER VIRUS - Not harmful per se, but perfectly willing to let your system crash just to "teach you a lesson."

REGIS PHILBIN VIRUS - Will not complete display of algorithm results until CPU confirms that's its final answer.

REPUBLICAN VIRUS - Sells off your system resources to the highest bidder.

RICHARD NIXON VIRUS - Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback. Popular in China.

RICHARD SIMMONS VIRUS - Deletes FAT table.

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS v 1.0 - Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. Prints, "Oh, no you don't!", whenever you choose Abort from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS v 2.0 - Before allowing you to delete any file, it first asks you if you've considered the alternatives.

RIGHT-WING-HARDLINER VIRUS - Won't allow any changes on your system, but keeps saying that things will get better as soon as it takes over the Whitehouse.

RODNEY DANGERFIELD VIRUS - Gets no respect. Only allows data do be displayed as one-liners.

DAVID DUKE VIRUS - Makes your screen go completely white.

RUSH LIMBAUGH VIRUS v 1.0 - Probably the most dangerous virus we've ever seen. It occupies 50Mb, complains about all the other files, than eats them. It's so stupid you don't take it seriously until it's too late.

RUSH LIMBOUGH VIRUS v 2.0 - This virus produces an amplified, continuous, babbling sound in Dolby Stereo as it grows to fill all available space on your hard disk. Fortunately, its virulence is low as it has difficulty finding willing code fragments that will support its replication.

SADDAM HUSSEIN VIRUS v 1.0 - This virus, first developed in the software labs of Western democracies, attacks its closest neighbors first and then fragments to hide it's most virulent components in the hidden folders of your disk drive. As a defense mechanism, it claims that commercial virus detection software insults its national dignity.

SADDAM HUSSEIN VIRUS v 2.0 - Won't let you into any of your programs.

SADDAM HUSSEIN VIRUS v 3.0 - spawned other viruses and was believed to create Programs of Mass Destruction (PMD). Some of the spawned viruses are still in existence but are gradually being eradicated by the George W. Bush virus. PMDs spawned by the Saddam Hussein virus, if they exist, have yet to be found because they have the "hidden" attribute set. The Saddam Hussein virus wasn't seen for a long time because of the rapid spread of the George Bush virus. At the end of 2003, the George Bush virus found every instance of the Saddam Hussein virus, which was discovered to have mutated into a harmless, ugly graphic hiding in the Trash/Recycle Bin.

SEARS VIRUS - Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks.

SHARON STONE VIRUS - Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.

SLACKER VIRUS - Uses 80% of your computer's resources, yet does absolutely nothing.

SONNY BONO VIRUS - Just when you get to surfing the web, a firewall appears out of nowhere.

SPICE GIRL VIRUS - Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.

SPRINT VIRUS - Periodically runs sound file of a pin dropping.

STAR TREK VIRUS - Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

SYEPHEN KING VIRUS - It wipes a fifth of your hard drive, then tells you that if enough people send in a dollar, it will destroy the rest in some surprising, exciting way.

SURVIVOR VIRUSES - Deletes your files one by one over 13 weeks until only the most annoying one remains.

TECH STOCK VIRUS - At the slightest hint of an error, plays a screaming panic sound and shuts down your computer.

TED KENNEDY VIRUS - It drives your files into the bitstream, crashes your computer, then denies it ever happened.

TED TURNER VIRUS - Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

TEENAGER VIRUS - Your PC stops every few seconds to ask for money.

TEXAS VIRUS - Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

TIGER WOODS VIRUSES - Assumes pre-eminence over other applications, which are left to operate at consistently humiliating performance levels. Beats you in every computer game you play.

TIM ALLEN VIRUS - Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.

TIPPER GORE VIRUS - When you attempt to play any sound file, it pops up a warning window stating that some lyrics may be unsuitable for children.

TITANIC VIRUS - Makes your whole computer go down. You get a sinking feeling when your system crashes.

TOBACCO INDUSTRY VIRUS - It contends that there is no reliable scientific evidence that viruses can harm you computer or that it targets adolescent computer users.

TONYA HARDING VIRUSES - Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons. Your
CD-ROM drive randomly ejects in an attempt to bash your knee.

U.N. VIRUS - Annoying but harmless. Every day, it displays a message saying you must let it inspect your computer's files for viruses, but then it gives you the options "OK, Cancel, Ignore." Even if you click OK, it doesn't do anything.

VIAGRA VIRUS - Expands your hard drive while putting too much pressure on your zip drive. Turns your 3.5" floppy into a hard drive.

WARREN BEATTY VIRUS - Constantly tries to prove its virility by attaching itself to younger or newer files.

WONDERBRA VIRUS - Results in overflow stack.

WOODY ALLEN VIRUS - Bypasses the motherboard and corrupts a daughter card.

X-FILES VIRUS - All your icons start shape-shifting.

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Listed below are some older, lessor known viruses that still pose a threat:

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ALLEN GINSBURG VIRUS - Seemed to come from nowhere. Extremely virulent, yet ineffectual. Attempts to invade all file systems of worldwide media organizations at once. Generates copious, conflicting press reports via an advanced randomly-parsing syntax generator developed by California hackers. Frequently found to have infiltrated expensive Washington restaurants.

ANITA HILL VIRUS - Lies dormant for ten years.

BARBARA BUSH VIRUS - One of the ugliest viruses we've seen in years, but seems to have a nice disposition and does little damage.


BILLY GRAHAM VIRUS - When you save a file, it prints, "I am saved!" to the screen.

CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS - Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it!

COLIN POWELL VIRUS - Makes its presence known, but doesn't do anything. Secretly, you wish it would.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS v 1.0 - Thers sumthin rong wit yur kompueter, butt ewe jsut cant figyour out watt.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS v 2.0 - Forces your computer to play "PGA TOUR" from 10-00am to 4-00pm six days a week.

GEORGE BUSH (Sr.) VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, 'Read my docs....No new files!' on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.

GRAY DAVIS VIRUS - caused computer programs throughout California to require more computer resources (memory, hard disk space, network bandwidth, etc.) than were available, even though the state's computer resources had increased significantly. The result was monumental havoc and a great outcry by the populace. The Gray Davis virus has not been seen since the appearance of the Arnold Schwarzenegger virus.

HANS BLIX VIRUS - is a derivative of the U.N. virus. It tells you it's going to inspect your computer for viruses, but then it just creates all sorts of text files filled with bureaucratic drivel, all the while displaying messages saying it needs more time. It never finds any viruses. The quickest cure for this virus is the George Bush virus.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS v 1.0 - Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through AOL.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS v 2.0 - After depleting your bank account, returns to infect you again! Little footprints appear all over your screen, blocking out information. Unlimited shoe styles.

JIMMY SWAGGERT VIRUS - When caught, it begs for your forgiveness and to be released.

JOEY BUTTAFUACO VIRUS - It only enters minor files.

KITTY KELLEY VIRUS - A particularly nasty infection. It locates your personal files, activates your modem and spreads the dirt around to all the BBS's you usually call. Embarrassing.

LEONA HELMSLEY VIRUS - Deletes files smaller than it is.
Marcia Clark Virus - Asks for more time every time you give a command.

LORENA BOBBITT VIRUS - It turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.

LORENA BOBBITT VIRUS #2 - Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it. Unfortunately, the area is permanently disabled.


OLLIE NORTH VIRUS v 1.0 - Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS v 2.0 - Plays patriotic audio clips while it shreds your files.

ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS - Claims that if you don't send it a million dollars, its programmer will take it back.

RODNEY KING VIRUS - Just sits there, but when it is detected you'd swear the virus scanner was demolishing your entire system.

RONALD REAGAN VIRUS v 1.0- It puts your hard drive to sleep. If detected, it claims it doesn't remember being there.

RONALD REAGAN VIRUS v 2.0 - Saves your data, but forgets where it's stored.

ROSANNE BARR VIRUS - Plays the National Anthem at boot-up. Even worse with a sound card.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS v 1.0 - Runs for awhile, leaves the system, then re-appears, but with less effect.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS v 2.0 - Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS v 3.0 - After several years, the damage caused by this little virus is still unclear. It often displays impressive graphics which have little relevance to the users interests or needs.

SUPREME COURT VIRUS - It allows your system to abort files, with major
restrictions.

THE PRISON VIRUS - It locks up your system.

TIP O'NEIL VIRUS - It sits in the background, consuming bytes until it's too
fat to exit.

TOM DASCHLE VIRUS - blocks your computer from doing anything right.

UDAY (aka ODAI) and QUSAY (aka QUSAI) VIRUSES - Were mutations of the Saddam Hussein virus. Both of these viruses destroyed files, but the Uday virus also displayed pornographic images. Both of these viruses were completely eliminated by the spread of the George W. Bush virus.

WARREN COMMISSION VIRUS - Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.

WATERGATE VIRUS - Erases 18 minutes off your tape backup.

WILLIAM KENNEDY SMITH VIRUS - It strips your files, manipulates your data
and denies anything ever happened; and gets away with it.