Being Offensive At A Wedding

Show up totally smashed. Be as obnoxious and unruly as possible.


When the priest says his little "If anyone know any reason..." ditty, say, "Look at him! Look at her! These people should not reproduce!" or rattle off every mean, nasty thing the ex ever did to you, including that time when he went to see "Jesus Christ Superstar" with his mother on the night of your anniversary.


Send hookers. Laugh incessantly during the ceremony, for no apparent reason. Trip the bride on the way up. Wrestling, anyone? Two words: bomb threat.


Have a nice heart-to-heart with the mother of the bride (or groom). What you say is up to you, and the more horrid the better.


Pretend you've been seeing the groom secretly. Claim you've had his love child and he looks just like him.


Say you've had an affair with the bride if you're female, and the groom if you're male.


Make a big production about how this is all killing you. Laugh at anyone who takes you seriously.


Silly string! or, better yet...indoor frog baseball! "White Wedding" mysteriously piped into the church speaker system Maple syrup balloons. Or condoms. Cold oatmeal instead of rice or au gratin potatoes. Rigging the pulpit with firecrackers and other assorted pyrotechnics. Invitations sent to a really nasty biker gang. Sneaking into the groom's underwear stash and rubbing everything with hot peppers. Drug the priest. Theatrical knives and stage blood. Fun. Flat tires.


Ever see that scene in "The Parent Trap" where the girls cut out the whole back of this other girl's dress?


Use stage makeup to make yourself look *really* pale, and paint two little wound-marks on your neck. Act like a vampire.


Show up with a baby and claim it belongs to the newlyweds. Cover yourself with glue to improve your chances of catching the bouquet. Offer to show people pictures of the bride having sex with a dog. Tell people that you knew the bride before the sex-change operation.


Tell the bride that the only reason that you can look at her is because you used to be a proctologist.


Instead of a standard gift, give the newlyweds a gift certificate to a drug rehabilitation clinic.


As you move down on the receiving line, spit on each person. Ask the bride's mother to give you oral sex. Give the bride some Binaca, and tell her it kills the taste of sperm. Propose a toast to the bride's nose job. Steal the cards from the wedding gifts so nobody knows who they came from. Walk up to various guests and demand to see their invitations.


After the bride throws her garter, start people chanting, "Throw your bra...Throw your bra..."


Tell people that the groom had to be given Quaaludes to keep him from backing out.


Tell the rabbi there's no money to pay him, and ask if he'll settle for shtupping the bride.


Assure the bride's mother that the groom is "Hung like a horse". Return a bra which the bride left in your car.


If there's a hunchback at the Jewish wedding, tell him that he has to wear a yarmulke on his head and another on his hump.


When the bride is coming down the aisle, push the organist out of the way and start playing "The Lady is a Tramp".