A comedy�s Guide to life

There are two theories to arguing' with a woman; neither one works.


Don't worry about biting' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a
whole lot binger�s you think.
If you get to thinking' you're a person of some influence, try ordering'
somebody else's dog around.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.


If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging'.
Never smack a man who's chewing' tobacco.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.
Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to
make sure it's still there.
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be
surprised if they learn their lesson.
When you're throwing' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by
somebody else.
Letting' the cat outtalk the bag is a whole lot easier 'n putting' it back
in.
Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important
to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in
your pocket.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.