Words from Women

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...and I also know that I'm not blonde. --- Dolly Parton


You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. --- Erica Jong


I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels GOOD for 36 hours. --- Rita Rudner


I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job. --- Roseanne


My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. --- Rita Rudner


I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters. --- Susie Loucks


This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?" --- Judy Tenuta


He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant. -- Carol Leifer


I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. --- Wendy Liebman


Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth to. --- Erma Bombeck


If high heels were so wonderful, men woeld be wearing them. --- Sue Grafton


I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on. --- Roseanne


I would love to speak a foreign language, but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. --- Sue Kolinsky


I look just like the girls next door... if you happen to live next door to an amusement park. --- Dolly Parton


I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me it's because it's cold in there. And I'm like: How did my mother know THAT? --- Wendy Liebman


"I think - therefore I'm single." --- Lizz Winstead


"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." --- Elayne Boosler


"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." --- Gilda Radner


"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." --- Maryon Pearson


"Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel." --- Bella Abzug


"In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman." --- Margaret Thatcher


"If I were going to convert to any religion I would probably choose Catholicism because it at least has female saints and the Virgin Mary." --- Margaret Atwood


"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." --- Gloria Steinem


"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." --- Gloria Steinem


"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then." --- Katharine Hepburn


"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night." --- Marie Corelli


"Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths." --- Baroness Edith Summerskill


"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?" --- Linda Ellerbee


"I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house." --- Zsa Zsa Gabor