What Bush's Speech Shoulda Been

Good evening my fellow Americans.


First, I want to pass on my condolences to the people of New
York and all Americans that are hurting in this tragic time. You
can rest assured that anything and everything that can be done
to assure the safety of our country will be done. This is the
greatest country in the world and we will get through this
trying time. Now is the time for all people to set aside our
petty differences and show the world that no one or nothing can
destroy the fortitude of the American people.


To the people responsible for today's tragedy, I say this: Are
you fucking kidding me? Are the turbans on your heads wrapped
too tight? Have you gone too long without a bath? Do you not
know who you are fucking with? Americans are so hungry to kill,
that we shoot at each other every day. We will relish that
opportunity for new targets for our aggression. Have you
forgotten history? What happened to the last people that started
fucking around with us? Remember the little yellow bastards over
in Japan? We slapped them all over the Pacific and roasted about
2 million of them in their own back yard. That's what we in
America call a big ass barbecue. Ever seen Texas on a map? Ever
wonder why it's so big? Because we wanted it that way, Mexico
started jacking around with the Alamo and now they cut our
lawns. England? We sent them packing.


Ask your buddy Saddam about fucking with the good 'ole USA. The
only reason he got away the first time is because it's too hard
to shoot someone when you're doubled over laughing at them. Our
soldiers aren't trained to laugh and shoot at the same time. Now
he couldn't stop a pack of cub scouts from taking over his
shitty little country.


Trust us, Afghanistan will end up a giant kitty litter box. Go
ahead and try to hide, Bin Laden. There's not a hole deep enough
or a mountain high enough that's going to keep your camel riding
asses safe. We will bomb every inch of the country that harbors
him, his camps and any place that looks and even smells like he
was there. Hell, we might even drop a few bombs on people that
have pissed us off in the past. This is America. We kick ass.
This is what we do. Go ahead and laugh now, but the Tomahawks
are coming and we will smoke your sorry asses.


God bless America!