Ways Barney Should Die

1. Nitroglycerin suppository


2. Dr. Kivorkian approved suicide/euthanasia kit


3. Paper cuts from hate mail


4. Wine press


5. Random act of terrorism


6. Dissolved in organic solvent of choice (e.g. 1,1,1-trichloroethane, acetone, carbon tetrachloride)


7. Clubbed by a baby seal hunter


8. Exploding gas barbeque


9. Date with Lorena Bobbit / Tonya Harding


10. Rusty meat hook


11. Pulp digester / Saw mill


12. Sexually transmitted disease


13. Lethal injection of bean sprouts and tofu


14. Skydiving accident (His concrete parachute fails to open).


15. Barney meets the Terminator. "Hasta la vista...BARNEY!".


16. Exploding school bus


17. Field trip to the Toronto Metro Zoo. Barney loves to spread love to all of the carnivores.


18. Children's Tylenol laced with cyanide


19. Sacrifice to a tribal god


20. Fed through a branch/leaf shredder (or office paper shredder)


21. Trampling by thousands of tiny spongie feet


22. Asphyxiation on a Twinkie


23. Bungee jumping with chord tied around neck


24. 1000 RPM merry-go-round


25. Building sandcastles in a quicksand box


26. Dragged behind a school bus on a gravel road


27. Tail caught in elevator doors


28. Legalization of purple slavery


29. Home lobotomy kit


30. Nasal spray or eye drops replaced with concentrated acid


31. Add crushed glass to his granola or high fibre cereal.


32. Thrown in a vat of bleach.


33. Close encounter with a white supremist.


34. Sucked into a turbo-prop engine


35. Submerged into a CANDU reactor


36. Swarmed by killer bees


37. Purple parasites


38. Kidnapped by members of the Columbian drug cartel


39. Chopped up into pet food (Purina Barney chow)


40. Shintu massage as administered by a sumo wrestler.


41. Assilimation by the Borg.


42. Accupunture with a nail gun


43. Force fed pure sugar and caffeine until he explodes.


43. Barney meets Mr. Chainsaw


44. Hit and run at a school crossing


45. Exploding in an industrial sized microwave oven.


46. Strapped to a shuttle launch pad..3, 2, 1, ignition!


47. Strapped to the heat shields of a space shuttle during reentry.


48. Brain scrambled (rescrambled?) by aliens


49. Body cavity search using a fish scaling knife.


50. Harpooned by a whaling ship


51. Dipped in liquid nitrogen, and "accidentally" pummeled with a baseball bat


52. Served as Thanksgiving dinner


53. Eaten by the homeless (Barney pate anyone?)


54. OOPS! Barney shouldn't have soldered that propane tank while full.


55. Mistaken for a Pi=F1ata


56. Run over by a zamboni


57. "I love you" song triggers avalanche.


58. "Accidentally" shoved in front of a subway train.


59. Nuclear warhead explodes at ground BARNEY.


60. Scientific experiments on BARNEY sublimation temperature.


61. Crushed between plates in a fault line.


62. Blended into McBarney shakes, and pressed into McBarney patties


63. Inquiring minds want to know...What is the tensile strength of Barney?


64. Used as a crash test dummy.


65. Barney becomes one with Oscar Myer.


66. Barney used as shark bait.


67. Used as a guinea pig in a pain threshold study.


68. Used in a TV commercial promotion of Ginsu Knives. Even after cutting this tin can, the ginsu knives rip through purple flesh with ease.


69. Diplomatic mission with Klingons


70. Deep sea diving in a locked steamer trunk.


71. Nato air strike.


72. Live organ donor.


73. Egyptian mummification ritual.


74. Plummet into an active volcano.


75. Coated in honey and fed to the fire ants.


76. Conversion to sugar glazed junk food.


77. Quiet dinner with Jeffrey Dahmer.


78. Pilgrimage to the Holy land.


79. Purple Jonestown reagent.


80. Visit to the taxidermist.


81. Blasted with a Neuron-T-disrupter.


82. Take him off Prozac.


83. Forced to watch "The Wall" video without his happy pills.


84. 100 hours of continuous "Black Sabbath".


85. Give him a lead role in a snuff film.


86. Tar and feathered by crazed parents.


87. Spontaneous combustion.


88. Bludgeoned to purple paste.


89. Compressed to a singularity.


90. Bent, folded and mutilated by Canada Post.


91. Send him to a Bill's game dressed as a Miami Dolphin.


92. The plague


93. Extruded through microcapilliaries.


94. Forced to spend a week with Bart Simpson.


95. Barney goes for a spin on a cyclotron. Too bad about the sudden stop.


97. Pre-mortum autopsy reveals that Barney's head is full of worms.


98. Massage with a stun gun.


99. Heat pasteurization.


100. Barney stars in an Itchy and Scratchy movie.


101. Abandoned in a sensory deprivation tank.


102. Barney meets Elmira (I'm gonna hug him and squeeze him to itty bitty pieces.)


103. Put Barney in an old Star Trek episode, in a RED SHIRT.


104. Put Barney in a Star Trek Next Generation episode, in a gold shirt.


105. Make him the drummer of Spinal Tap.


106. Use him as a zap-o-matic target.


107. Paint him green & give him to Gallager for his Sledge-o-matic.


108. Paint him green & give him to David Letterman for a 10 story drop.


109. Confine him with Marvin the Paranoid Android (Douglas Adams).


110. Put a horse collar on him and abandon him on alt.sex.beastiality.


111. Stick him in a car with Ted Kennedy near a bridge.


112. Paint "Branch Dividian & Proud of it" and drop him off at the BATF hq.


113. Put him on a blind date with Lorena Bobbit AFTER she gets her new set of Ginsu(tm) knives.


114. Barney scrapple.


115. Bury him next to Jimmy Hoffa.


116. Tell Tipper Gore he sings on how to masturbate.


117. Recreate the Challenger accident with Barney playing substitute teacher.


118. Use Barney as a test subject for exotic new nerve gases.