Tim The Train Expert

Long read but worth!

There was this man named Tim and Tim comes from a long line of train conductors. His father was a train conductor and so was his father before him. But as Tim grew up he realized that was not his passion but the pressure from his family to follow in his fathers footsteps was too great, so after Tim graduated high school he enrolled in training in hopes to be hired at a train station. After a few years of going through this training school and failing many attempts, Tim finally passed and got his credentials. He was hired right off the bat at a successful train station as a train conductor. Of course since Tim was so bad at his job he did not do very well. The first train he is on crashes and kills 19 people due to his incompetence. He was fired and charges were brought up against him. Tim, living in like Russia or somewhere, was sentenced to death the next day. But before they kill him, they asked what he wanted from his last meal. Since Tim obviously did not want to die this way he thought of a clever way to stall his execution by asking for an outrageous last meal. He asked for a specific ancient chinese rice recipe only obtainable from a vendor in China, sacred beef from a cow in India, and a blue apple from Nigeria. The Russian government, although upset about it, jumped on this list as fast as they could because they really wanted to execute this guy that killed 19 people! So the Russian diplomats went off to China and found a very old Chinese man and asked for his family’s ancient chinese rice recipe, and of course the Chinese man would never give it up to these foreigners and he was even offended by their asking for it and felt it would bring shame to his family. The Russian diplomats offered the Chinese man $5,000 and he immediately accepted the offer. Then the Russian diplomats went off to India to grab some sacred beef from a cow. The Hindus are disgusted that they want to kill one of their sacred cows to give to a criminal and they want to imprison the Russian trespassers, but then the Russians offered them $5,000 as well, and they accepted it immediately too. Now finally the Russians are off to Nigeria for the blue apple and the same deal happens. The Russians want Tim dead so bad that they offered the same deal to the Nigerians, $5000 for the blue apple. They accept and now the Russians are off back to the prison to kill Tim, he eats his last meal as slow as he could and when he finished they hooked up to the chair. They pull the lever and shock him, but Tim doesn’t die. The Russians are confused and they believe its an act of God so they release him. Now that Tim is out of prison he needs to get a job and since he really only knows how to be in one line of work, he goes back to get a job at another train station and a train conductor. Tim is a creature of repetition and so on his first train, it crashes again and killed 36 people this time due to his mistakes. The Russian government seriously wants this guy dead so they put him back onto death row and ask him what he wanted to his 2nd last meal. Tim still didn’t want to die so he asked for the same meal again! Although reluctant the Russian diplomats are off again and start by going to China and see the old man again, but to their surprise he wasn’t there, and in his place was a significantly younger Chinese man. The Russians approach him and asked where was the old man. The rice vendor informs them that was his father that passed away after he sold them his rice and now he is in charge of his shop. The Russians ask him if they can have some of the rice for their prisoner and the young chinese man curses them out saying that they are the reason his father died and he would never give them his rice. The Russians offer him $10,000 and he accepted it without thought. Now onto the quest for beef. The Russians go back to India and asked the Monks to give them more beef. When asked, the Monks tell the Russians that they made the Gods very angry at them so this time they would have to do a sacred dancing ritual to honor and sacrifice the cow. After days of learning the dance and meditating the Russians leave with their beef and go on back to Nigeria. This time they did not want to offer any money to the Nigerians so the Russians simply stole the apple. They brought all the supplies back to the prison in Russia and gave them to Tim. He eats and enjoys then is put back into the chair. The Russians being afraid of another act from God shock him anyways and sure enough the shock to his head doesn’t kill him so they release him. Now Tim is out and is unemployed because no one will hire this idiot, but his father was able to convince his boss to hire him as another train conductor. Of course his first train crashes again and killed 59 people! Tim is now used to being on death row tries to think of another last meal he can request to stall for even longer. He asked again for the rice and the beef, but instead of the blue apple, he wants a giant mango from Australia. The Russian Diplomats are off once more, but this time they aren’t dealing with shit. They go to China and murdered the vendor and stole the rice. They go to India and murdered all the Monks and stole the cows. They go to Australia and shake down a giant mango that crushes and kills their outback guide. They hurry back to the prison shove the food down Tim’s throat and strap him to the chair. The Russians highly doubt that the third time will go wrong. They pull the lever and nothing happens! They pull it twice! Three times! Nothing! They finally ask Tim, “WHY WON’T YOU DIE?!”, Tim has a puzzled look on his face and responds, “I do not know.. I guess I’m just a bad conductor”.