This is the first joke I've ever written.

Ol' Paddy walked into the bar, long faced and sullen, after a long day of working on his farm. The bartender asked him, "Usual whiskey, Paddy?"

"Not today, John," Paddy said. "The wife has been bleating about wanting another kid, so she's forbidden me from drinking before the deed is done."

"Well, at least you've got a good shag ahead of you tonight," John said.

"But that's just it, I don't know if I can afford another one. The food, the medicine, all of it," Paddy said.

"How many do you have now?" John asked him.

Paddy thought for a second and said, "I reckon it's nine now. One a year, every spring like clockwork."

"Jesus Mary and Joseph, nine!" John said. "Aye, I see why you'd not want another one. Well Paddy, I'll tell ya my trick. When you're shagging her tonight, just before you're about to burst, take a long stroke and slip it in her arse instead. Do your business there and you'll not have to worry about a tenth."

"John, that's brilliant!" Paddy said. "I'll try it tonight."

So the next day, John's at the bar and Paddy comes in, limping, holding his bangers and mash. "John, pour me the whiskey."

"You're looking worse for the wear Paddy! Did you try what I told ya?"

"Aye, I did."

"One long stroke and then straight in her arse?"

"Aye John, I did it."

"So then what happened Paddy? Why so rough around the edges?"

"The damn sheep kicked me square in the balls."