Things Not To Say During Sex

1) Is it in?

2) That's it?

3) You've got to be kidding me.

4) *phone rings* Hello? Oh nothing, and you?

5) Do I have to pay for this?

6) Do I have to call you tomorrow?

7) Oh Momma, Momma!

8) Oh Dadda, Dadda!

9) You look better in the dark.

10) This is much better than my last boy/girlfriend!

11) I thought that goes in the other hole....

12) Don't tell my husband/wife.

13) You have the same bra my mom does (worse if the girl says it).

14) This sucks.

15) Can you finish now? I have a meeting...

16) I hope you don't expect a raise for this...

17) I think you might get the job for this.

18) Damn! Is that all you know how to do?

19) Did I tell you, I have herpes?

20) Now we must get married.

21) Hurry up, the games about to start.

22) I'm hungry.

23) I'm thirsty.


25) Are you trying to be funny?

26) Can I have a ride home after this?

27) Are those real?

28) By the way, I want to break up.

29) Is that smell coming from you?

30) Haven't you ever done this before?

31) Wow!! I've never seen those before (then grope wildly).

32) Do you know what some female spiders do after sex?

33) You're so much like your sister....

34) Your mom's cute.

35) What's your name again?

36) Do I have to be here in the morning?

37) A second time? I barely stayed awake the first time!

38) But you just started!!

39) You're about as good as a 9 year old, and I should know!!

40) Don't touch that!!

41) Can we order a pizza?

42) I think my dad is listening at the door.

43) Smile for the camera, honey!!!

44) Take off that damn monkey glove!!

45) Get your hand out of there!!

46) I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.

47) I knew you wore a padded bra!!

48) Cover me boys, I'm going in!!!


50) Fire one!

51) God, that is small!!

52) Hold on, let me change the channel...

53) Who smells like fish?

54) Is it okay if my mom (and/or dad) joins in?

55) Your best-friend does it much better.

56) Hope you don't mind I left my boots on.

57) Hurry up, the motor's runnin'.

58) You're fogging up the wind-sheild.

59) Can I borrow 5 bucks?

60) What the hell noise was that?!

61) Stop moaning, you sound so stupid.

62) Shut up, bitch! (worse if the girl says it)

63) You know, you're not really attractive.

64) I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention.

65) What, oh yeah, I love you too, now let me concentrate!!

66) Stop interrupting me!!

67) I have to poop.

68) Did I leave the iron on?

69) Your breath is funky.

70) (Start singing Green Day).

71) Is it okay if I call someone, its okay though, keep going....

72) It's ok honey, I can imagine that its bigger.

73) God I wish you were a real woman.

74) Why can't you ever shave your legs?

75) By the way, when I drove over here, I ran over your dog....

76) Oh Susan, Susan... I mean Donna.... dang.

77) Your breast milk is like my mom's....

78) You're hairy!!

79) Your "happy trail" led me to a dead end.

80) Is it okay if i never see you again?

81) Did I forget to tell you I got worms from my cat?

82) Don't make that face at me!

83) All of a sudden I have a headache.

84) You're boring.

85) Would you shave my back after this. (worse if girl says it)

86) Did I mention my name is Zog from Planet Tog.

87) How much do I owe you?

88) How come we each have a penis? (If it wasn't supposed to be that way)

89) Of course you can't be on top, you're too fat, you'll kill me!

90) Your ass is hairy (the guy says this).

91) Just use your finger, it's bigger.

92) Does your family have to watch?

93) We'll try again later when you can satisfy me too.

94) Get off me, I'll do it myself!!!!

95) Can you hold this sandwich for me?

96) You're as soft as a sheep, inside and out.

97) The only reason I'm doing this is because i'm drunk.

98) My mom taught me this.....

99) How cute... peach fuzz!

100) Dang girl! my boobs are bigger than yours!

101) Should I ask why you're bleeding?

102) This is my pet rat, Larry....

103) If you can't do it, I'll find someone else who can!

104) I haven't had this much sex since I was a hooker!

105) I was once a woman. (worse if girl says it)

106) Wanna see me take out my glass eye?

107) No I don't love your mind, I can't grab that!!

108) Is it okay if I tell my friends about this?

109) I'm sobering up and you're getting ugly!

110) You wanted me to use a condom?

111) You're no better than my brother!!

112) Mooooo!!

113) Fire in the hole!!!

114) I wanna see how many quarters I can fit in there.

115) Hurry up, I'm late for a date.

116) Ok. start...oh! that feels so... YOU'RE DONE??!!

117) You ever see basic instinct?

118) I'm out of condoms, can I use a sock?

119) Don't squirm, you'll spill my beer.

120) Did I tell you where my cold sore came from?

121) You got boogers showing.

122) (Start reciting the 10 commandments).

123) I think I just pooped on your bed.

124) Of course I don't love you.

125) Let me spell it out for you, b-r-e-a-t-h m-i-n-t.

126) I'm doing this because I love you, tell anyone.. and I'll kill you.

127) Didn't anyone ever teach you it's impolite to talk with your mouth full?

128) If only you were inflatable!

129) But the President was into the cigar thing!

130) I never much believed in being too choosy, but I never thought I'd sink THIS low!

131) Roll over, I wanna try something. (worse if girl says to guy)

132) Geez, this sure wasn't worth an all-expenses paid Denny's dinner.

133) Mind if my dog joins in?

134) Don't mind the camera crew.

135) What IS that?

136) You're about as fun as having phone sex with a deaf mute.

137) Remember that story about John Wayne Bobbit?

138) Ooh wow this would make a great Loveline call!

139) *rub your eyes* Wha? Where am I?

140) *proudly* I haven't taken a bath in three whole weeks!

141) Let's do it with the lights on. --AHHHH! NO! TURN THEM OFF!!!!!--

142) Umm, honey? I'm over here.

143) Now NOBODY can accuse me of being homophobic! (worse if it's guy/girl)

145) I hope you know, I'm demanding a discount for this.

146) But everybody looks funny naked!

147) You woke me up for that?

148) Did I mention the video camera?

149) Do you smell something burning?

150) (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...

151) Try breathing through your nose.

152) A little rugburn ever hurt anyone!

153) Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?

154) Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

155) But whipped cream makes me break out.

156) Person 1: This is your first time..right? Person 2: Yeah.. today.

157) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!

158) Can you please pass me the remote control?

159) Do you accept Visa?

161) And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!

162) So much for mouth-to-mouth.

163) Try not to leave any stains, okay?

164) Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...

165) (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!

166) Do you get any premium movie channels?

167) Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!

168) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!

169) Got any penicillin?

170) But I just brushed my teeth...

171) Smile, you're on Candid Camera!

172) I thought YOU had the keys to the handcuffs!

173) I want a baby!

174) So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

175) (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?

176) Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...

177) Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

178) I think you have it on backwards.

179) When is this supposed to feel good?

180) Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!

181) You're good enough to do this for a living!

182) Is that blood on the headboard?

183) Did I remember to take my pill?

184) Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?

185) I wish we got the Playboy channel...

186) That leak better be from the waterbed!

187) I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!

188) But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..

189) Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

190) You know, if you quit smoking you might have more endurance..

191) No, really... I do this part better myself!

192) It's nice being in bed with someone I don't have to inflate!

193) This would be more fun with a few more people..

194) You're almost as good as my ex!

195) Do you know the definition of statutory rape?

196) Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?

197) You look younger than you feel.

198) Perhaps you're just out of practice.

199) You sweat more than a galloping stallion!

200) They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.

201) Now I know why he/she dumped you...

202) Does your spouse own a sawed-off shotgun?

203) You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.

204) What tampon?

205) Have you ever considered liposuction?

206) And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!

207) What are you planning to make for breakfast?

208) I have a confession...

209) I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!

210) Are those real or am I just behind the times?

211) Were you by any chance repressed as a child?

212) Is that a hanging sculpture?

213) You'll still vote for me, won't you?

214) Did I mention my transsexual operation?

215) I really hate women who actually think sex means something!

216) Did you come yet, dear?

217) I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...

218) A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!

219) Does this count as a date?

220) Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!

221) Hic! I need another beer for this please.

222) I think biting is romantic- don't you?

223) You can cook, too right?

224) When would you like to meet my parents?

225) Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like...

226) Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.

227) Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.

228) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?

229) I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?

230) Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.

231) Sorry but I don't do toes!

232) You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!

233) Hey, I remember you from the VD clinic! No wait, that wasn't you...

234) Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!

235) Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...

236) I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".

237) So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!

238) My old boy/girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!

239) Is this a sin?

240) I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!

241) Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?

241) It's so nice to meet somebody else who has crabs... What do you mean you don't have crabs??

242) Long kisses clog my sinuses...

243) Please understand that I'm only doing this on a dare.

244) How long do you plan to be "almost there"?

245) *stop suddenly* Did you hear a police car?

246) So, how's it feel to have your lovemaking simulcast over the Internet?

247) Do you mind if I cover your face with this porno mag?

248) Umm, I'm glad you're enjoying it, but that's not me licking you.

249) Get off of me, I'm going to find a washing machine on 'spin' setting.

250) You mean you're NOT my blind date?

Score: 0.0, votes: 0

You might also enjoy

Many of the jokes are contributions from our users. If you find anything offensive and against our policy please report it here with a link to the page. We will do everything to make this an enjoyable platform for everyone.