The Top 16 Things You Don't Want to Hear at a Parent-Teacher Conference

16> Well, that explains where Billy's classroom incontinence comes from.15> I understand that your religious beliefs prohibit math class?14> It seems Lindsey has taken a real shine to her role as head mascot of the Mayfield High Swallows.13> Joey seems to be having a little trouble with fractions. Also, he shoots people.12> Steven's in-class conduct has been good... but in the bathroom, dude's always bogarting the shibby.11> They are *not* required to pledge allegiance to Beelzebub!10> Wow! Bobby's parents DO walk upright! Looks like I owe the principal twenty bucks.9> Your child consistently pushes the 'shock' lever instead of the 'food pellet' lever.8> Your daughter Frances has been pulling up her blouse in front of the boys for lunch money. Any idea where she picked this up, Ms. Love?7> You need to explain to your child that it is inappropriate to go through the halls firing the teachers, Mr. Trump.6> The other kids all agree -- he *is* ugly and you *do* dress him funny.5> Oh, I wouldn't worry, Mr. and Mrs. Johnson. It's highly unlikely that Billy will *actually* kill you at midnight tonight with the turkey-carving knife that has been mysteriously missing since the cat disappeared.4> I want to discuss Jimmy's reflexive flinching every time I raise my hand.3> Generally, your son is a good kid. And if it weren't for all the damning the other children to an eternity of suffering, anguish and torture in hell, I'd probably pass him.2> Have you considered home-schooling? No? *Would* you consider home-schooling? Please?1> This is one child we're leaving behind. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]