16> He shows up wearing tights and a beach-towel cape and shouts, "This is a job for Decoratorman!"15> His stated intent to "Graceland this place up" is a little worrisome.14> Suggests trying a scheme that's color-coordinated with your gastro-intestinal tract.13> It turns out the only thing he has in common with Martha Stewart is a felony conviction.12> Her default solution to any wall-covering situation? Clay Aiken posters.11> Keeps trying to convince you of the decorative power of Quaker Rolled Oats.10> Asks if you wouldn't mind storing some corpses for him in your basement "until the heat dies down."9> Suggests you sell your kids "since they keep messing the place up."8> As you enter your house for the first time, Tom Bodett and some guy with a violin are serenading you.7> Her preferred living room fabric? Ham.6> It's not really important to you that the carpet match both the cat AND your toupee.5> You ask for a "country" decor; he gives you post-Nazi Poland.4> Every single room is the same: aqua on one wall, orange on another and Dan Marino's face looking down from the ceiling.3> "I call this look 'Abu Ghracious Living.'"2> You're not sure exactly what's involved in a "Chuck Berry-style" bathroom, but it can't be good.1> Thanks to Escher & Sons, you can no longer find your bathroom.[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ][ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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