The Top 15 Ways to Celebrate the Year of the Monkey

15> Paint butt and town red.


14> Offer a nice, big, banana-shaped object to someone you love.


13> Celebrate getting through my State of the Union address without being distracted by shiny things.


12> Finally learn sign language so you can tell that bitch Koko what you really think of her.


11> Get your stinking paws on a couple of damned, dirty beers!


10> Same as every Year of the Monkey: Watch the giant bunch of crystal bananas fall in Tiananmen Square as the God of Longevity, Dik Kwok, emcees.


9> Call Robin Williams and Ed Asner and offer to give them a good grooming.


8> Slurp a banana daiquiri off of Paris Hilton's highly evolved body.


7> The heck with Shakespeare -- get your friends and typewriters together and submit some hot-monkey-love letters to Penthouse.


6> Telephone Charlton Heston at midnight and coo, "Happy New Year, Bright Eyes!"


5> Get spankin'!


4> 1) Marry Britney Spears. 2) Pick fleas off each other while waiting for the annulment.


3> When at the Dairy Queen, order your banana splits with "more grubs, less poo."


2> Party 'til you puke. Lap it up. Repeat.


1> Tell your wife that this year it's got to be frequent, fast and from behind.


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[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]