The Top 15 Signs You're Not a Very Good Cook

15> Your meals look just like the pictures on the cover of the magazine -- Aviation Disaster Weekly.


14> Only similarity between your Mexican cuisine and actual Mexican cuisine is the vomiting and diarrhea.


13> Jack Kevorkian keeps writing to ask for recipes.


12> Your leftovers don't have an expiration date... they have a half-life.


11> When no one's looking, the dog sneaks your food to his heartworms after your son sneaks it to him.


10> The EPA has opened a branch office in your breakfast nook.


9> After all this time, it turns out the recipes were calling for *chicken* eggs.


8> First day in the kitchen, your job was "toast the bread." Then you were downgraded to "cut the bread." Now it's simply "stop your bleeding."


7> You still can't figure out what the hell a "tiblisp" is.


6> The Defense Department has requested your rice pilaf recipe as a repair compound for leaky battleships.


5> After lower than anticipated craving for your arroz con stinkbug, you think you overhear your fellow Survivors discussing how to cook stew. Your name? Stu.


4> The cat shuns your table scraps in favor of its own vomit.


3> Your Chicken a la King is served on a bed of shocking gray hair.


2> Your tapeworm has issued an unconditional surrender.


1> Lobster? Climbs out of the pot, grabs a cook book, and proceeds to beat you with it.


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[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]