The Top 15 Signs a School Lunch Has Been Spiked

15> Baked casserole? Yep.
Baked lasagna? Yep.
Baked students? You betcha.


14> The asparagus cuts and the cabbage appear to have mated and are raising a family of brussels sprouts right on your plate.


13> Billy's haiku sounds suspiciously like the lyrics to "Truckin'."


12> Orange: swapped for an apple.
Brownie: swapped for a portable CD player.


11> Three fifth-graders just knocked over the Frito Lay delivery truck.


10> For the first time ever in lunch room history, kids are going back for seconds of Tuesday's Mystery Meat 'n' Succotash Surprise.


9> "Miss Johnson? Kenny Schuster's bogarting the swing, man!"


8> The kindergarteners have dumped Barney and Raffi in favor of Zeppelin and Floyd.


7> With every bite of food you take, the cafeteria lady, homely Mrs. Grabosky, becomes more of a MILF.


6> The janitor has forsaken his mop, preferring to lick up all spills.


5> The school mascot has changed from a tiger to a bag of Doritos.


4> Kids spend their recess lying on the grass pointing out clouds that look like dead celebrities.


3> You finally put a jacket over your lunchbox, after spending 45 minutes trying in vain to find an angle where the Incredible Hulk isn't staring directly at you.


2> Little Joey Stevens is eating crayons again -- 1,631 of 'em since lunch.


1> You are served by a scowling, hair-net-wearing Courtney Love, who is working off her court-ordered community service.


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[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]