The Top 13 Oscar Acceptance Speeches We'd Like to Hear

13> "I can really feel the love tonight -- apart from the venomous glares of the losers, that is."


12> "I'd like to thank my parents, for the deep psychological scars they inflicted which led me to seek out a career where I can get the empty, whore-like attention I so crave."


11> "Dude, was I in that movie? Man, maybe I really should be in rehab."


10> "And I'd like to thank the Church of Scientology, without whom I would have enough money that I wouldn't have had to make this movie in the first place."


9> "I'd like to thank Palm Beach County for designing this year's ballot..."


8> "I'd like to thank the Academy for this award -- but since I had to sleep with the guy from Price-Waterhouse..."


7> "I'm sure I'll appreciate the irony of this achievement three years from now, when I'm stuck doing 'Hollywood Squares' to pay the rent."


6> "And in closing, I'd like to invite Roger Ebert to bite me..."


5> "...and to my wife who stuck by me all these years: Sorry, Babe, but Oscar means a supermodel upgrade."


4> "Achieving this kind of success as an actor is a struggle. That's why I'd like you all to consider how much extra money you could be making as an Amway distributor..."


3> "...and most of all, this means no more blowing directors to get the good roles."


2> "I'd like to thank my boyfriend, Benjamin Brat for all his support, the director, Steven Soderbergh, for including me in this great project, and of course, Mephistopheles, Lord of the Hoary Netherworld, for my entire career."


1> "I accept this award not just for me, but for *all* the dudes out there who occasionally lose their cars."


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[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]