The store I work for recently acquired a new variety of sausage, Jimmy Dean's “Country Mild”.

What does the country taste like? Well I'm from the country and the only two things you'll find here are dirt and sage brush. Now sage flavored sausage is a good idea, but they already have a sage flavor.

It can't taste like cows or sheep because it's pork, and I don't know how it could taste like horrible internet, long drives or a complete lack of social life. That's all there is, dirt and sage. So I guess it tastes like dirt.

So what the hell is the 'Mild' supposed to mean, is there some flavor in it other than dirt? The only thing I ever see in the dirt is cow shit, lots and lots of cow shit. So I guess Country Mild tastes like dirt with shit in it, although not as much shit as some of the stronger varieties.

But now that I think about it, most people are from the city and only see the country through popular media, so I suppose it's more reasonable to assume the sausage was seasoned based on Hollywood's interpretation of the country.

It could be based on some of the more historical fictions of the old west or perhaps a documentary, but then it'd have to taste like pain and hard work.

Or perhaps it's based on the more popular Clint Eastwood style western, then it'd taste like death and loneliness.

But a younger audience couldn't identify with either of those themes. It'd have to be something more recent, more progressive, something that changed the way people viewed the west.

Then it hit me, Brokeback Mountain.

Not only did the movie rewrite the identity of country western culture, but it's also the perfect euphemism for Country Sausage.

Again, this made me wonder what the 'Mild' referred to, but after a great deal of deliberation I've arrived at the only viable conclusion.

Country Mild Sausage tastes like the first few minutes of gay sex; you know the part where where his dick isn't covered in shit yet, but you can still taste it?

It seems my original guess wasn't too far off.