The Man Test

THE MAN TEST

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a
queer.
It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent
the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah
diet...Faggot.

2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer-- it
grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch
except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about
how you call a dog..... 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here,
Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy,
snookums! Jeeez, you're so queer.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, or any such nonsense, rest
assured,
you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw
oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you
are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking
lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his
toilet;
he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as fairy as
Tinkerbelle. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy
Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man
there
too..

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four
different
types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be
handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his
brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse you're
gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim,
you
are a peter puffer.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to
tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a
slow-assed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs
that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.

8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because
you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the
verge of being a salami smuggler.