The entire human race is on trial

Jesus Christ himself has called the entire human race to allow them to explain themselves before he ends human existence, and madness ensues - this is like the harvey dent mob trial x100, there's pandemonium. Jesus calls for order and says humanity must pick one person to represent them all. Everyone writes down their choice on a card.


Jesus tallies the votes and tells everyone a choice has been made "Hitler? Adolf Hitler?.... Hitler?" Jesus has a look of confusion on his face so he pulls out his iPad and quickly scans a page, the audience is in utter shock, people are looking at each other and accusing family of voting for hitler, everyone denying it , fathers beating sons for thinking voting for hitler is a joke, others shouting "see, jesus uses apple, I knew it" and for the first time, complete silence from he Android community aftermost of them committed suicide after seeing the Lord's chosen brand.


"ok so your attorney ,hitler,he's dead - thats weird but no problem. looks like he was a great man, the ruler of an entire democracy" Jesus whistles to show the audience he's impressed with their choice, now everyone is very confused.


"Hitler, what do you say about humanity" Hitler starts shouting in german and Jesus is nodding, scratching his bears to show his deep contemplation, he suddenly stops hitler mid speech as the bears let out a mighty growl.


"ok hitler well just tell me this, have you done any of the bad sins, like the one about not worshiping those other gods? Now I know my english must be confusing for you. Hitler is still really pissed about a jew interrupting him so all he can shout now is a word Jesus did understand "Nin, Nin Nin!"


"Ok, trials over - the verdict is...... Not guilty! You chose a nobel peace prize nominee, that shows bears, Imean.. balls - sometimes it's the guys who almost win who are the real winners - it shows you mean well. Ok I'm out of here!"


The entire world is relieved, but now more confused than ever. King Obama (he figured the world was coming to an end and changed his title) walks up to the front of the crowd and demands answers. "Dubya? what the.. I thought I exiled you"


"Nope, Everyone actually voted for you. Knew they would, but I just assumed jesus might be racist"


"You rigged this for Hitler to win just because him and Jesus are racist? you thought Jesus would identify with him?"


"Oh, no that's not what I meant. Well Mr. Obama, Hitler is an incoherent man, he speaks German, you think Christ has time to learn German? Do you think he wants anyone to know that he's not fluent in German?"


"That's... a terrible assumption George"


"Sorry, yeah that's not what happened. Force of habit. I know of his wikipedia page, take a look"


"it says he's a Madman..genocidal - yeah, his wikipedia page isn't very compelling, and it says here the nobel nomination was a joke. Come on Dubya tell me whats going on I'd tell you if I were in your shoes"


"okay, now look on my ipad"


"This thing, it looks all old and has vaseline and residue old lines of coke all over it... eew Gross bro ...it's too old to even display wikipedia properly and it won't play flash.Look at all these porn unclosed porn tabs - you realize we track this stuff right also let me get a bump, just like in my autobiography"


"Oh I know, i had to the old tablet just for today, those lines are older than your promise to stop doing cocaine and smoking cigarettes but you're licking my ipad clean as we speak as if it was a dog dish or a mcDonalds sunday at the Clinton house. But back to the point - you see, that iPad jesus had, I recognized it, I got one too - it's from Steve Jobs himself - he told me it was no orfinary ipad and I asked him what the fuck is an ipad, everyone will thinkit's a tampon and it will fail I told him - a gift from the only dead man more universally loved than Jesus himself""


"Jesus George, this coke is amazing... but keep explaining - what is the significance of this clearly amazing device?"


"I never said that was coke. Mr President, Well, that's not a real iPad and like I said it's not real coke - it's an ipad for world leaders, it came out an entire 7 years before the first iPhone was released to you people. I remember the exclusive event, it was fucking amazing, and even Jobs was having a good time,muttering things about moon dust and science, but there were hookers and blow everywhere and they were no ordinary hookers if you catch my drift, that was Tim's idea. I mean I always felt like I got raped at that event but it wasn't until 5 years later that I truly realized. when I couldn't figure out how to create a new electronic message on my secure godaddy email, one of the tech guys said there was a problem with it, something about DNS. Turns out some of the websites you go to are real, but some aren't - he then admitted he's only ever worked at a burger king, I told the kid to cook up a big whopper and put it in the Clinton account, I think they hired him for some odd jobs"


"wikipedia? you defeated Jesus using wikipedia?"


"yes Mr. Obama, wikipedia. I ruled the united states for 5 years thinking I had been given a magical iPad that let me see past the web of lies and look uber cool because it was super pre release... of course, this was clearly a gray's almanac situation, I couldn't tell anyone, not even Cheney. Unlike Biff's stolen copy, my almanac was WRONG and I kept trying to double down based on advice from this page https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Martingale_(betting_system)." I had been relying on wikipedia for all of my info,everything from waterboarding https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Planking_(fad) to water gate. I used pages like https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/October_2001 to refer to official statistics and make big decisions"


"Okay, this is all starting to make more sense now, so you must have gone to hitler's wikipedia page at some point and saw what was there, and you knew Jesus would see the same. Ok. Ok I think we're good. So I guess Jesus is no better at verifying sources than your average redditor and he never heard of the third reich"


"I guess not Mr. Obama... haha I guessss not"


"Why did you say it like that? Fine then, the world will never know you had actually saved it - you're not as bad as I thought. But - tell me one last thing - you knew the ipad was a fake a long time ago"


"Right, right - that was an embarrassing day - I will never try to learn anything new again, I was techshamed - it's like the male version of being slut shamed. Why are you rubbing it in What's your point?"


"Well, George... I'm not one to Judge, but - if you knew it was fake, and you could read the real wikipedia on any other computer - then why... you know, why do you still deny.. I mean why deny all that awful stuff"


"You mean.. why did I continue to stand by the 'mission accomplished banner' - actually it was supposed to be ironic, didn't know the media would be there'


"no... no, anyone could have made that mistake - I mean the holocaust"