Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work

Escapee definition: a fart that slips out while peeing or forcing poop in a
stall. this is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. this
is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and
speeding. if you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. pretend it did not
happen. if you are next to the farter, pretend that you did not hear it. no one
likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. making a joke or
laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.


jailbreak (used in conjunction with escapee) definition: when forcing poop,
several farts slip out at a machine gun's pace. this is usually a side effect of
diarrhea or a hangover. if this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall
until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of
what just occurred.


courtesy flush definition: the act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose
cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an
undisclosed location. this reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink
up the bathroom. this can help you avoid being caught doing the walk of shame.


walk of shame definition: walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door
after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. this can be a very uncomfortable
moment if someone walks in and busts you. as with all farts, it is best to
pretend that the smell does not exist. can be avoided with the use of a courtesy
flush.


out of the closet pooper definition: a colleague who poops at work and is damn
proud of it. you will often see an out of the closet pooper enter the bathroom
with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. always look around the office for
the out of the closet pooper before entering the bathroom.


the pooping friends network (pfn) definition: a group of coworkers who band
together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. this group can
help you to monitor the whereabouts of out of the closet poopers and identify
safe havens.


safe haven definition: a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you can least expect visitors. try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
sex. this will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.


turd burglar definition: a pooper who does not realize that you are in the
stall and tries to force the door open. this is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. if this occurs, remain
in the stall until the turd burglar leaves. this way you will avoid all
uncomfortable eye contact.


camo-cough definition: a phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall. this can be used to cover-up a watermelon or
to alert potential turd burglars. very effective when used in conjunction with
an astaire.


astaire definition: a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential turd
burglars that you are occupying a stall. this will remove all doubt that the
stall is occupied. if you hear an astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the
pooper can poop in peace.


watermelon definition: a turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the
toilet water. this is also an embarrassing incident. if you feel a watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. see camo-cough.


havana omelet definition: a load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water. often accompanied by an escapee. try using a
camo-cough with an astaire.


uncle ted definition: a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the
pot. an uncle ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you
should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. this benefits
you as well as the other bathroom attendees.


fly by definition: the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. walk in,
check for other poopers. if there are others in the bathroom, leave and come
back again. be careful not to become a frequent flyer. people may become
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.


crack whore definition: a crapper that has seen more ass than a greyhound bus.
telltale signs of a crack whore include pubes, piss stains and s*** streaks.
avoid crack whores at all cost. try finding out when the janitor cleans each
particular bathroom. don't forget, with a good cleaning, a crack whore can
become a safe haven.


frequent flyer definition: someone who keeps going in the bathroom to check if
it is empty. this always looks bad for that person.


have you ever heard of the "drag bunt?"- that is when you are walking by a
bunch of people and farting the whole time, dragging it by the unknowing
victims.