Some Funny And Naughty Limericks

There once was a lady from France
Who didn't know how to sing or dance
So she hired a teacher
Who was an ex-preacher
and got crucified on his lance.

Said the Indian Chief to the Totem
"My wife's breasts are so large she can float 'em!
All the tribe members stare.
It's unbearable. There...
...fore, I bought her a bag for to tote 'em!

There once lived a man in DC
Who'd been shut off by his wife Hillary
He refused to confess
But the proof's on the dress
So quit lying to us on T.V.

When his daddy told young Willie Plum
How and where new babies come from
Willie sneered, "For two years,
I've been humpin' Sue Meers,
And she's had no kid papa you dumb.

Slick Willy gets away with a lot
He's had many a lass in his cot.
His polls keep ascending,
though lawsuits are pending
Yet his record shows nary a blot.

A lighthouse keeper called Crighton
took to seeing a lady from Brighton,
but ships ran aground,
and sailors were drowned,
as she wouldn't have sex with the light on

I knew a young lady named Claire,
Who possessed a magnificent pair,
Or that's what I thought,
Till I saw one get caught,
On a thorn and begin losing air.

There once was a president named Bill
Who gave all the interns a thrill,
One day he did spew,
On a dress that was blue
And now his presidency is nill

There once was a man from Bombay
Who loved to eating baked beans every day
He farted so loud,
The din attracted a crowd
But the smell made them all run away.

The main message of The Wife of Bath's Tale (by Chaucer):
There once was a knight who defiled
a young maiden's virtue and pride.
But let it be known
that is you rape someone
You'll get a hot chick as your bride.

She wasn't too bold, not too willing
And she did stare a lot at the ceiling...
But once with this rogue
She put down her vogue
And said, "That was moderately thrilling."

There once was a lass from Gibralter
Whose purity a young man did alter
But just ere she came
He reddened with shame,
For the strength of his manhood did falter.

There once was a vicar from Kew,
Who preached with his vestments askew,
A woman named Morgan,
Caught sight of his organ,
And promptly passed out in her pew

The lord of the manor, Sir Stoat,
Suffered from terminal bloat...
He exploded one day..
They found balls in the hay
And part of his scrote in the moat.

In Shreveport they make a fine stew,
A cultural dish it is true...
They cook up roadkill
With a sprinkling of dill...
It's Chili con Carnage to you!

I'm the very best cook of the group,
I can poach, I can scoop cantaloupe,
I can also roast beef,
Without any grief,
But I'm damned if I'm gonna pee soup!

An alluring but cranky au pair
Was arrested for lethal child care...
The kid was a pain
So she opened his vein,
But swears that he tripped on a stair.

A nudist resort in Benaires
Took a midget in unawares
But he made members weep
For he just couldn't keep
His nose out of private affairs.

There once was a man named McLaren
Whose wife was thought to be barren.
If he had of known
The fault was his own
His youth would of been much more darin'

There was a young girl named Joan
She went to the dentist's alone
In a fit of depravity
He filled the wrong cavity
And now she nurses the filling at home

There was an old roué named Clyde
Who took an eighteen year old for a bride.
They took the old lecher
Out on a stretcher
But as he left he was smiling with pride

[Civil rights limerick from the 60's]
In the Southland a redneck named Hollis
slept with a snake for his solace.
His children had scales,
and prehensile tails,
and voted for Governor Wallace.

There once was a man from St Paul,
Who was born with detachable balls.
When he was bored, he'd remove both his orbs,
And juggle while walking the hall.

Up in Redmond sits wealthy Bill Gates,
Who is richer than all fifty U.S. states.
Janet Reno is jealous
And overly zealous,
'Cause Bill never asked her for dates.

There once was a boy named Ian,
and his entire reason for bein'.
Was to stand in the stall,
holdin' it all,
and enjoying himself while peein'.

There was an old bishop from Bavery
Addicted to deeds obscene and unsavory
Amidst rumbles and howls
He deflowered young owls
In the depths of his underground aviary

In the White House there roams a liberal named Bill
Whose election wrought repubicans ill will
But when Bill made a mess
On the intern's new dress
Republicans sought impeachment with zeal
The word spread like fire through our land
of an affair that got perversely out of hand
While Hillary was playing dumb
Her husband was getting gummed
In the halls of our great high command
Now while Bill did his job without care
The nation went ga-ga over the Capitol pair
And it wasn't till later
After he lied we found he did cater
To the temptations of the girl with big hair