Republican Jokes and Quotes

Political definitions: A Democrat believes that people are fundamentally good and intelligent, and therefore they need help from the government in running their lives. A Republican on the other hand believes that people are fundamentally bad and greedy, and therefore if they are left alone by the government, things will work well.


The same old fraternity boys, geezers in golf pants, cheese merchants, cat stranglers, corporate shills, Bible beaters, swamp developers, amateur cops, and old gasbags that we have known since time immemorial. (on the new Republican majority in Congress in 1995) Garrison Keillor


The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it. - P. J. O'Rourke (1947- )


How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Four hundred and sixty-two: Twelve to investigate Clinton's involvement in the failure of the old bulb, 23 to deregulate the light bulb industry, 16 to cut funding for alternative lighting R&D, 34 to cut the tax rate on light bulbs, 53 to design a block grant so the states can change the bulb, 41 to talk with defense contractors about night-vision gear instead, and 283 to pass a law making it illegal to discuss naked bulbs (or screwing anything) on the Internet.


..MORAL DILEMMA D'JOUR: If a politician and an IRS agent were both drowning and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?


Quotes:


In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for. As for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican. ..HL Mencken


It seems to be a law of nature that Republicans are more boring than Democrats. ..Stewart Alsop


The elephant has a thick skin, a head full of ivory, and as everyone who has seen a circus parade knows, proceeds best by grasping the tail of his predecessor. ..Aldai Stevenson


When Republican speech-makers think they are thinking, they are only re-arranging their prejudices. ..Aldai Stevenson


I wish somebody would make a new Republican speech. ..Frank McKinney Hubbard


The trouble with the Republican Party is that it has not had a new idea for thirty years. ..Woodrow Wilson


Brains, you know, are suspect in the Republican Party. ..Walter Lippmann


I don't want to lay the blame on the Republicans for the Depression. They're not smart enough to think up all those things that have happened. ..Will Rogers


The Repubican Party either corrupts its liberals or it expels them. ..Harry S Truman


In Minnesota, the Republicans are like the lowest form of existence. They don't have much life or vitality at the height of their existence, but they never die. ..Eugene McCarthy


A man said the Democrats paid him $3 to vote for their man and the Republicans paid him $2 to vote for their man, so he voted Republican because they were less corrupt.


Senator Allen W Barkley once read a letter alleged to have been written to Dorothy Dix, who conducted an advice-to-the-lovelorn column:


"Dear Miss Dix: I am in love with a beautiful girl of fine character, and I want to marry her. But there are some things I am ashamed of. She knows about my sister who is a prostitute, my brother who is in the penitentiary, and my uncle who is in an insane asylum. But she doesn't know about my two cousins who are Republicans. Should I tell her?


Republicans sleep in twin beds - some even in separate rooms. That is why there are more Democrats. ..Will Stanton, Ladies Home Journal, 1962.


Shortly after the massive Democratic victory in the Presidential election of 1964, Vice President Humphrey was spending a few days at the LBJ ranch in Texas. One day Johnson was showing Humphrey over the pastures when Humphrey suddenly stopped, lifted a foot gingerly, and called out," Mr President, I just stepped into the Republican platform."


William Jennings Bryan during a political campaign was called upon for an impromptu speech, but the only available perch for him was a manure spreader in an adjoining field. So Bryan climbed aboard the spreader and began by saying that it "was the first time I have had occasion to speak to an audience from a Republican platform."


Republican Senator John Sherman Cooper tells about the time he was campaigning in a fiercely Democratic area of Kentucky and was shaking every hand in sight.One old fellow seemed reluctant. "I'm John Cooper," said the Senator. "You're a Republican, ain't you?" challenged the man. "Yes." "Well," drawled the man extending a limp hand,"just press it light." ..Paul Healy, in Saturday Evening Post.


In 1950 Senator Robert Kerr of Oklahoma was campaigning for his junior colleague from Oklahoma, Mike Monroney, who was opposed by Rev W.H. Bill Alexander. Kerr told his audience that "Alexander one day said to his congregation, 'after communion with the Almighty, I have decided to enter the Democratic primaries and run for the Senate.' " "Well," continued Kerr, "soon afterward Alexander switched over to win the Republican nomination. What I would like to know is this: If the Lord told Alexander to run as a Democrat, who, then, told him to run as a Republican?"