Quotes from Celebrities

"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her
new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her
dad." --Christopher Case


"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't
either." --Dick Cavett


"I have such poor vision I can date anybody." --Garry Shandling


"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
--Rita Rudner


"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the
video camera and come help me." --Bobcat Goldthwait


"I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget."
--Michael McShane


"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in
the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how
to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to
swim.'" --Paula Poundstone


"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the
Republicans were running the country. Which is turning out to be
like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache."
--Jack Mayberry


"I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always putting a hit
out on myself." --Judy Tenuta


"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a
second." --Steven Wright


"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better
verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of
that study: Duh." --Conan O'Brien


"Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him
spit. That's why you should never date a baseball player."
--Marsha Warfield


"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up
something else." --Lily Tomlin


"I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was
eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the
letter." --Drew Carey


"Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease." --Bill Maher


"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out
of four people make up 75 percent of the population." --David
Letterman


"I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad
dressing and spaghetti sauce....I thought he was missing." --Bob
Saget


"Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that
is still far away." --Billiam Coronell


"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me
was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I
should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone
like you?" --Larry Miller


"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without
a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see
that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much
of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy,
let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a
spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here.'" --Jerry
Seinfeld


"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson


"If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?"
--John Mendoza


"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold
them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too
high!'" --Bruce Baum