Maine Diary

Dear Diary:


Aug. 1 - Moved to our new house in Maine. It is so beautiful here. The city is so picturesque. Can hardly wait to see it covered with snow. I LOVE IT HERE.


Oct. 14 - New England is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are turning all different colors. I love the shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the hills and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most peaceful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I LOVE IT HERE.


Nov. 11 - Deer season will open soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such an elegant creature. The very symbol of peace and tranquility. Hope it will snow soon. I LOVE IT HERE.


Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed in white. It looked like a postcard. Went outside and cleaned snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight today (I won). When the snowplow came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. Mother Nature in perfect harmony. I LOVE IT HERE.


Dec. 12 - More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow guy did his trick again (that rascal). A winter wonderland. I LOVE IT HERE.


Dec. 19 - Snowed again last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work on time. I'm exhausted from shoveling. DAMN SNOWPLOW!


Dec. 22 - More of that white shit fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think the snowplow hides around the corner and waits until I'm done shoveling. THAT ASSHOLE!!!


Dec. 25 - "White Christmas" my busted ass. More friggin' snow. If I ever get my hands on that son-of-a-bitch who drives that snowplow, I swear I will castrate the dumb bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on this shitty ice. DAMN ICE!


Dec. 28 - More of the same crap last night. Been inside since Christmas Day except for when "Snowplow Harry" comes by. Can't go anywhere. The car is buried in a mountain of white shit. The weatherman says expect another 10 inches of this shit tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is? ONE HELL OF ALOT!


Jan. 1 - Happy Friggin' New Year. The weatherman was wrong (AGAIN). We got 24 miserable inches of snow this time. At this rate it won't melt until the 4th of July. The snowplow got stuck down the road and that shit-for-brains had the balls to come to the door and ask to borrow my shovel. I told him I broke 6 shovels already, shoveling out the shit he plowed into my driveway. I broke the 7th shovel over the asshole's head. DAMN, ANOTHER SHOVEL WASTED! Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back a deer ran out in front of the car and I hit the filthy creature. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Wish those hunters would have killed them all last November. DAMN HUNTERS!


May 3 - Took the car to the garage in town today. Would you believe the body is rotting away from all the friggin' salt they keep dumping all over the roads? It really looks like a piece of rusting shit. DAMN SALT!


May 10 - Moved to Florida today. I can't imagine why anyone in their right friggin' mind would want to live in the God forsaken State of Maine. I LOVE IT HERE. Damn! Something just bit me....