Mad Quotes

Americans have different ways of saying things. They say
"elevator", we say "lift" ... they say "President", we say
"stupid psychopathic git" --Alexi Sayle


If your parents never had children, chances are you won't
either.--Dick Cavett


The trick to flying is to throw yourself at the ground and
miss.--Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy


Never go to a doctor whose office plant have died.--Erma Bombeck


Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.--Pancho
Villa-Last Words


Let me just tell you how thrilling it really is, and how, what a
challenge it is, because in 1988 the question is whether we're
going forward to tomorrow or whether we're going to go past to
the -- to the back! -- Senator Dan Quayle, 8/17/88 (reported in
Esquire, 8/92)


Yogi Berra on seeing a Steve McQueen movie: - "He must have made
that before he died"


"When you come to a fork in the road, take it!"


17% of college graduates would punch themselves really hard in
the face for $50.


When Ford Motor Company began marketing their popular Pinto in
Brazil years ago, they were puzzled by terrible sales. Things
improved when they changed the name to Corcel, which means
"steed." Pinto is Brazilian slang for "tiny male genitals..."


If you were a poor Aztec with no weapons, and a bunch of
conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I
don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So
sue me."


If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to
tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying,
another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something
you did."


I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the
state-appointed shrink is our friend.


I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people
their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds
with my name on it.


I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.


I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my
money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick.
Then I'd go out West and start digging for gold. When someone
came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold,
ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd say,
"Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh.


On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK" (Anonymous)


Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt
and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle
came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. (Rodney Dangerfield)


What's with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of
chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had
hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.


Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a
bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest
problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the
wash.


We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't
scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what
annoys me.


If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because
maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you
because, hey, free dummy.


Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful
flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's
carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a
very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.


Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists
elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to
contact us.


A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite.
Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone.
"Hear that?" you say, "That's dynamite, baby."


Friends: People who know you well, but like you anyway.


Friends help you move. Real friends help you move dead bodies.


Friends don't let friends drive naked.


Friends -- the people who stab ya in the front.


Sometimes people need what only friends can provide -- Absence.


Friends who think they're perfect are very annoying to those of
us who really are.


When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend


To err is human. To really screw things up you need a computer.


Join the army, meet interesting people, kill them.


Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names." -John F.
Kennedy


"Love is like a bird. When you least expect it, it craps on your
face" -Bud


A word to the wise ain't necessary. It's the stupid ones who
need the advice. --Bill Cosby


Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the
world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon
as they are born, and they start using sleep deprivation to
break you. --Ray Romano


Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway
through my fishburger and I realize, "Oh my God, I could be
eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery


The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run. --
John Barrymore


And that's the world in a nutshell -- an appropriate receptacle.
(Stan Dunn)