Funniest One Liners

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasmEagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet enginesEarly bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheeseI'm not cheap, but I am on special this weekI almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we metI drive way too fast to worry about cholesterolI intend to live forever - so far, so goodI love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravyIf Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 StatesQuantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made ofSupport bacteria - they're the only culture some people haveThe only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?What happens if you get scared half to death twice?Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!Black holes are where God divided by zero.All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.